b3ta.com user andyparmo
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for andyparmo:
Profile Info:

Phlegm. Gusset. Mound. Sputum. Minge. Sheath. Girth. Pouch. Flap. Moist. These are all words my missus hates.

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Stupid Tourists

Not me, my auntie
In her younger days, she used to go to Italy pretty regularly. One day when travelling on a train through Italy, two Italian gentlemen were sitting opposite her, discussing with each other what they'd like to do to this Englishwoman given the chance to get her anywhere near a bed.

At that moment, a spider dropped down from the ceiling on it's web straight into my auntie's face. Cue her jumping up and screaming and waving her arms around.

The Italian gents were rather perplexed by what just happened until my auntie told them, in perfect Italian, that she was terrified of spiders.

As the penny dropped about the lack of language barrier, so did their faces.
(Fri 8th Jul 2005, 10:58, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Butt cheeks
I must have been about eight when this happened. I was playing hide and seek with my sister who was, at the time, in the hall counting to 100. I was in the living room looking for somewhere to hide. It didn't take very long for her to get to the higher numbers. I could hear her outside getting closer to "Ready or not".

91 - 92 - 93

Where am I going to hide? There was nothing. If I went behind the TV she'd see me immediately (pre-video days - big gap under telly).

94 - 95 - 96

Lie down by coffee table and hope she doesn't see me? That'll never work.

97 - 98 - 99

As she said 100, I spotted a gap behind the armchair in the corner. I went for it, leaping over the chair in the greatest of hurry, and flopping down behind it bum first.

It was at this point I found where my mam kept her knitting bag courtesy of a yarking thick needle sticking up, pointy end skyward. It was now firmly embedded in my bum cheek. Hide and seek was quickly abandoned as I realised that I'd stabbed myself in the arse.

Oddly enough, I don't remember it hurting that much. Big shock though. When you're eight years old, a knitting needle is a sword. Which is a story for another day.
(Mon 17th Jul 2006, 16:19, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

I used to work in a supermarket
and on the nightshift we used to kip on pallets of toilet rolls in a quiet corner of the warehouse. You can build entire forts with these things if you've got enough of them. Many times we had a go at conquering someone else's fort while they were asleep in it...
(Fri 29th Apr 2005, 14:30, More)

» Strict Parents

Kia Ora orange squash
I was never allowed to drink this because, according to my mother, "You've seen the stains it makes on your Tshirt. What do think it's doing to your insides?"

Stomach acid was not something I'd heard of at age 7. My mother was, and indeed still is a weirdo.

Oh, and I wasn't allowed to watch Grange Hill or Rentaghost in case I was corrupted. And while I'm ranting, just what IS "too short notice"?
(Wed 14th Mar 2007, 19:20, More)