b3ta.com user tef
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mail: tef-b3ta at void.printf.net

I am thomas figg and this is my brain dump
Also: My comebacks are the win
And this is my first post on b3ta

Me, vectorized by grandmaofshoes.

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Best Comebacks

Another one.
I was seven, running around the garden, with a poin-ted stick.
As you do, being a kid.

Suddenly my mum starts shouting from the kitchen

"If you keep running around with that stick, you'll poke your eye out!"
"What are you going to do then?"

I replied "I'll become a pirate mum!", and continued running around.
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 15:06, More)

» Best Comebacks

I smoke, deal with it.
My friend karen often tries to convince me to stop smoking.
Last time we were in the pub, she convinces her friend to speak up.

We, the smokers were hidden away in the corner, making sure none of the militant anti-smokers would have a chance to steal our glorious nicotine.

He walks over, and starts preaching.

You really shouldn't smoke young man...
I used to smoke 60 a day, and then I had a lung taken out.

I asked him if he only smoked 30 a day now.

He left me alone :)
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 14:56, More)

» Best Comebacks

One of my other favorite ones, happened to a friend.
Walking down the street, to only get accosted by one of the cancer research vultures.

"Do you have a minute for cancer research?"

*Waves fag at them* "I'm doing some of my own, thank you"
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 14:58, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

I work in an internet cafe.
My job involves retail and technical support.

One of my favorite questions that I get are "How long does a Day Pass last for?".

A while back, a tramp came in the shop and started harrasing the people, so I asked him what was up.

"I NEED TO PUT SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET" (Yes, He wouldspeak in Caps)

"What do you need to put on the internet?"


He slowly unfolds a piece of paper infront of me.


"Sir, we don't do Web hosting, you would have to put this on the internet yourself"


*cue explaination of the basics of the internet and how web pages are served*

"So you need to find someone to host your pages on their server, we don't do this."




"www.geocities.com do free hosting and you can put that info on the internet"


"This isn't a physicial location, it's a website - not a shop on the street where you can ask them to do it for you, you have to go to their website"

At this point he looks more confused than when he came in, and walks to the door.

I also get senile grannies asking me how to check hotmail (by this they are asking me to go and type in an email and send them), and refusing to go away even when I explain that helping them would involve leaving the till unattended, and the front area of the shop.

On a daily basis I'm asked if we do printing, and point to the sign behind me with the charges - then they ask how much it costs.

Then I explaning to them they print normally, and collect it once we print it off when they have finished, they go away and run back and try to grope the printer expecting a fresh printout.

They refuse to read signs, or menus, or even posters in front of them. Except the people who will walk past the fridge containing food, and ask for a sandwich.

I hate my job.
(Mon 29th Dec 2003, 13:00, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

In my previous job as a technical assistant (lackey) at a chartered surveyors.
I was gathering pictures for a report, and suddenly noticed that all the pictures on the network has suddenly turned into vbs files.

So I worked out it was the PlanColumbia virus or something, and then proceeded to purge the network of all the overwritten jpegs. All 6600+ of them.

I found out the Managing Parnter was responsible, and had recived an email with "top secret fbi files!!" and had happily run it.

So when he got a phonecall from a client apologising for sending him a virus, he decided to uninfect his system by deleteing the email, and not telling the IT guy.

Who when I told, "these files are viruses on the networks - I opened them up and checked them".

He went, really? *click*click* Nothings happening.

(Mon 29th Dec 2003, 13:06, More)
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