» PE Lessons

My pal Tom
Like me was an unathletic type and once got the ball, presumably by accident, in a game of rugby. He whirls round and in a moment of genius points up and says, "Look! A total eclipse!" Everyone stops to look and he runs the whole length of the pitch to a try. Games teacher is unimpressed, goes apeshit and makes him run laps for the afternoon.

Surely the correct thing to do would be to give him a fucking medal!
(Fri 20th Nov 2009, 11:53, More)

» Tramps

ATTENTION TRAMPS!
When you are begging for change, don't do it next to a cash point:

The people are going to the cash point because they don't have any cash.

As they walk away, all they have is notes.

They are not going to give you a tenner.

Arrange yourself outside shops that sell fripperies and amusing luxuries. People will have change in their hand as they come out of the store and the contrast between their needless expense and your pitiful poverty will inspire guilt and induce donations.

Thank you for your attention.
(Fri 3rd Jul 2009, 8:54, More)

» Other people's diaries

The Wife
Not a diary entry, sorry, but, I once read an outdated text from my now wife's previous boyf, which described her as a sexy puppy. This disturbed me not so much for its sexual content but because I am a cat person. She isn't a puppy, she's a kitten. Or am I missing something?
(Thu 1st Feb 2007, 15:14, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Exams
Having been told that the RS exam was a real time challenge I leapt in and screamed through all six questions: each one asked you (well, me) to produce a screed of text explaining the ins and outs of some moral quandry. (Notably not ones you encounter everyday: is war bad? How about, if the bird in front of you at the cashpoint leaves a fiver when she walks away, should you let her know? What if she is fit? What if it was a twenty? Now that's a real question)

I managed to just about finish all the questions in the alotted hour and a half. Fingers numb from scribblage I hand in several thousand pages of text to the teacher who looks a little surprised. "Erm, you did just pick two questions right?"

And that's why I am not a priest (That and that whole There Is No God issue)

Sorry that this story is not a hilariously fantastic fabrication and involves nothing more than minor inconvenience.
(Thu 4th May 2006, 15:34, More)

» Mugged

Not me but:
My mum is shopping in Leicester market on a jam packed busy Saturday, when someone suddenly starts running through the crowd.
"Stop, theif, someone stop him! Theif!" shout the market trading people.

My mum craftily sticks out her foot and sends the guy flying (or, more accurately, falling, flying would be OK). He gets up, dusts himself down and squares up to my mum.

His thoughts: (mid fifties, short arse, no problem)
Actual fact: (2nd degree black belt, breaks boards, bricks, necks etc for fun, quite a big problem)

The situation was diffused before anything cool happened though by one of the market traders saying "Its OK, we were only mucking about."

Apparently it was one of their mates, and they do it all the time! Hilarious! Except he didn't seem to think so.

Just an insight into why there seem to be so many "I'm a kung fu marine sword fighting boxer so I decked the bitch" style posts: everyone else is thinking that their "I was mugged at knife point and it was the most emotionally castrating event of my life, I still live in a haze of fear" stories aren't much fun.

I was mugged when I was a kid, on a bus, and it was neither fun nor interesting. I've spent the last 8 years making sure that if it happens again it will be something worth telling the grandkids.

Hiyahh! Just try it!
(please don't hit my face)
(Fri 16th Jun 2006, 13:50, More)