» Guilty Pleasures

Another...
Whilst making a cup of tea I like to moon-walk across the shiny tiled kitchen floor to put the tea bag in the bin. Every time.
(Thu 7th Apr 2005, 10:33, More)

» When animals attack...

Apes
When I was 4 years old, our family went on a special day trip to the zoo (can't remember which one mind) after spending the previous day endlessly singing the classic "we're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo - how about you, you, you", we were at last on our way.

After spending a few hours pointing at snakes and laughing at Giraffes we came to a large round glass enclosure, containing some big trees with lots of stringy armed, pendulous breasted Urang-u-tans swinging in old lorry tyres. I thought this was the bees knees and started pulling faces at them and knocking on the glass. I turned round to my sister to say 'good eh' and noticed her face completely drop, I turned back round just in time to see a 20 stone ape crashing into the glass at full speed 1inch from my face in attack mode!

I actually shat my pants as I ran through a parting sea of laughing on-lookers, and had to spend the rest of the day stinking of poo and wee.


Ape bastards


*length etc*
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 11:08, More)

» Hidden Treasure

Bloated sheep
Not my treasure as such, but the other week my dog dragged a giant bloated sheep corpse out of a bush, which promptly burst spraying a fountain of green and yellow puss across the path.

More of a 'grand prize' than a treasure.
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 14:35, More)

» * PFFT *

Soft brown mound
Many years ago whilst at art college I used to get up really early to go to work for 2 hours before college. As always my mum was giving me stick for being late..again, so I did the classic:

'Hey mum catch this', pose.

this involved an attempt to emulate a footballist in strike pose, I kicked out and promptly did the loudest, wettest, flappyist, gut-empting diarrhoea squit/fart the world has ever seen, it sounded as if a duck had barfed...mid-quack...in my pants.

Needless to say I didn't make it to work on time, and my mum still asks me if I've been to 'brown town' lately.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 17:36, More)

» Strict Parents

Fashion ban & 3D clothes
My mum went through a stage of making clothes for us kids and insisting we wore them. One day she made me a fetching pair of golden, yes golden trousers! that were half mast and so very very shiny.

This was bad enough but worse was to come when she made me wear them with the jumper my gran had knitted me the week before...it was purple with a picture of an ice-cream sunday on it, but the three scoops of ice-cream were made from pom-poms!

I wore them though, as it was either that or the tracksuit my gran had knitted me, complete with arm and leg stripes - I kid thee not.

I'm still very very lonely.
(Thu 8th Mar 2007, 15:08, More)