b3ta.com user Suddenly, zebras
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Lives in Wales, has too much time on hands, likes cheese with the toast, and sometimes also the beans, woohey etc.

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» Voyeurism

When I were a nipper
I lived on a fairly rough council estate for a spell. Not too bad but I soon fell in with what can best be described as the wrong crowd. Quick mention, the houses/flats on this estate are "upside down" that is to say, the bedrooms are on the bottom floor and the living room etc upstairs. One night I got a knock at my window and invited out for larks and mischief. One of the boys, we'll call him George, mentioned that as we'd been hanging together for a bit he'd supervise my initiation ceremony. I was a bit worried as to what this involved, something like jizz biscuit or streaking I thought. Not so. We walked to a neighbours house where we met about three others, all clustered around a window, peering stealthily in. "he's at it again then?" enquired George. "oh yeah, every night now the dirty bastard." I crept up to the window where the fellah's bedroom curtains were closed but with enough of a gap at the end to see properly in. What I saw blew my tiny, underdeveloped mind.

Fred, the brother of one of the kids we went around with was naked as the day he was born, wanking his engorged cock with one hand and holding tightly to the collar of the family dog, a Saint Bernard if I remember rightly, with the other. After a few seconds of fumbling, much to my horror, but probably not the dog's (if he did this as often as they claimed) he proceeded to squeeze his greasy sausage in the poor thing's pooptube. I don't know how long I watched this nightmare but it felt like an eternity. My mouth was dry I felt sick (as a dog) and I think I was struck blind for a bit. Needless to say it put me off beastiality right sharpish.

He came, I went. "there you go mate, now you're one of the gang" said George. In all honestly I'd rather have masturbated over a ritz cracker while surrounded by half a dozen equally eager cock jugglers... but them's the breaks.
(Tue 16th Oct 2007, 18:19, More)

» Going Too Far

A few people seem to have done this
I used to work with a right skinny slacker/spacker nicknamed Smiler, a bit odd he was. As well as being a massive Status Quo fan he had the strangest hair, black as boot polish and bouffant like Fabio. Anyway, over the space of a few weeks, Smiler had been torturing us with the tale of his seduction of a married older woman and the sex they'd have while her fellah was out. Deciding we'd had quite enough of his bollocks we decided to get our own back one night.
Borrowing Smiler's phone it was easy to get his number, so on the nightshift, around 2am my mate at the time called from another mobile and did his best irate husband voice while we all watched Smiler's reaction.
"I know who you are you cunt! Shagging my fucking wife!"
Despite looking a bit pale Smiler put on a brave front "y... yeah? what're you going to do about it?"
"I'll tell you what I'm gonna do fucker, I know where you work, I'm on to you" Now Smiler got really scared, visibly shaking he looked at us and pointed to the phone, mouthing the words "help me". It was at this point we should've stopped it but we were too busy holding in the guffaws, my mate continued "In fact mate I'm already outside, I'm going to FUCKING KILL YOU!" he said the last part so loudly Smiler dropped the phone, while another workmate, sequested outside, hammered on the nearby door with a crowbar.
Smiler? Well he did the only thing you can do in a situation like that, he shit in his pants and fainted.
After he came around and quickly cleaned himself up he hid in the office all night with a chair against the door. We talked amongst ourselves and decided we probably shouldn't tell him it was a joke, the poor guy lived in fear every day after that, stopped the stories though.
(Mon 13th Nov 2006, 19:02, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

my father's a right git
He used to freak me out when I was a kid, claiming that my bedroom, his old room incidentally, was haunted by the ghost of his granddad. Stories of how the elderly man would walk through the closet and smile at him put the shits right up me and gave me nightmares for years. Turns out his granddad lived and died in Cornwall and unless the bastard was of nimble foot (and owned a ghostly boat) he probably couldn't make it over to Wales in time to do that crap.

A few years later I started to hear voices. While on the computer late at night a sinister hissing would reverberate through the room, usually followed by a few unintelligible words. Now that really scared me. I almost went to the doctors and asked him if I might in fact be suffering some mental disorder, the voices were that real. I figured it out one Sunday afternoon, leaving the computer idling I sat on the window sill and had a smoke. The hissing and voices came as they did before...
Instead of panicking this time I went into detective mode. And in true Ghostbusters fashion I realised that my computer speakers, fucked up things that they are were actually picking up taxi radios. Every time a taxi would pass by my house and the walkie talkie thing would go off, my speakers would get a transmission.

Months of mental anguish wasted.
(Tue 25th Apr 2006, 19:13, More)

» School fights

first schoolboy in orbit.
Reading about the desk story reminded me of an altercation that happened at our school many, many moons ago. We had a scruffy kid in our class called Michael, hurtfully nicknamed Michael-no-neck by the rest of us because his head literally met his shoulders with no gap inbetween. He had the cheek to insult the teacher one afternoon and when told to stand outside for the rest of the lesson actually had the balls to refuse, even when the rather huge Mr. Davies tried to drag him out of his chair. Desks in those days used to come with the chair attached, what loon thought that up I have no idea but Mr. Davies, being the no nonsense, rugby playing Welshman that he is lost his rag and picked up the whole thing, boy included, opened the door with his foot and fluuuung the whole lot into the hallway. Absolutely amazing display and quite amusing to see the shock on the face of Michael as he sailed in a beautiful arc out of the class. He sat out there for a full 45 minutes in bemused silence while the rest of us couldn't stop laughing. One of many crazy schooldays.
(Sat 11th Mar 2006, 14:20, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

ah, the joys of the night shift
Not doing any work is great but to liven up the boring 12 hour shift we...

played death metal cd's at ear splitting volumes at one end of the factory and Status Quo at the other

broke through the polystyrene ceiling of the office and stole the secretary's birthday cake

played hyper velocity cricket in the alleyways of the warehouse

spied on a scuffy middle-aged spastic having a wank in the toilet

this b3ta.com/questions/goingtoofar/post65669/

convinced our foreman to sleep off his big drink in the nurses office

Organized a mass walkout, 30+ people hiding behind the fire exit and laughing like kids when the boss wondered where we went

smoked lots of drugs

eventually I got tired of the long nights and took about 7 months off sick. I was essentially let go but "kept on the books" in case I ever wanted to return, so imagine my surprise when the company went under and I got a massive redundancy, including unpaid wages for every day of the 7 months and shift bonuses.

I went on holiday :D
(Thu 9th Aug 2007, 19:22, More)
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