» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Warped Halloween
This year, I decided that Halloween needed to be a little more interesting, so I decided to spice things up with some psychedelics. I spent weeks preparing for it, and the results were amazing.

Now, you may or may not have heard of this, but every Halloween in North Carolina is celebrated by the world's largest party in Chapel Hill, on Franklin Street. Imagine a hundred thousand people (literally) having the time of their lives blockaded within a five or six block area of the University of North Carolina.

Everyone tries to out-do the others with costumes. Some memorable ones: a giant four-man penis, accompanied by a vagina, which proceeded to fuck in the middle of a common area; a walking "tool" box; Spiderman, who spent a few hours hanging from a tree; and countless demons, hookers, rock stars, witches, and celebrities.

Now, since alcohol is prohibited within the blockaded area, and plenty of helping friendly cops are willing to search you, everyone gets plastered beforehand (or simply parties outside of the blockaded area).

I decided some mushrooms would be perfect for the occasion. But always one to outdo myself, I went one step further. Ever heard of Hawaiian Baby Woodrose? It produces a chemical that's pretty similar to LSD. I extracted this chemical with everclear the week before, and on Halloween night I drank the resulting solution.

As I walked the warped sidewalks of Franklin Street, everything seemed so real. The whores were going into dark alleys, the demons were chasing the whores, and the giant penises really were fucking the giant vaginas.

A demon stopped and asked me for a cigarette lighter. Though I could not give him one, my friend did, and as the flame illuminated his evil face, I became terrified. I ran, screaming, away from him as fast as I could!

I didn't get very far. After about three strides, I trip on my own shoes and do a faceplant into the grass.

Although it takes me a minute to realize what's happened, I soon understand. I imagine myself, in my Halloween costume, doing that faceplant. Without getting up, or even rolling over, I have the most satisfying laugh of my life.
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 5:44, More)

» Stupid Tourists

I used to work on the river
Taking tourists down the Nantahala in North Carolina. The best (or worst?) I've heard:

"Do the rocks go all the way to the bottom?"
No, they float, but we anchor them down so they don't go anywhere.

"Does the river end where we started?"
Yup, this is the only river in the world that goes in a circle.
(Sat 9th Jul 2005, 15:25, More)

» My first love

First Love
My second love was a preacher's daughter named Andrea. We had it good until I discovered she thought I was going to go to Hell for not being a Baptist. We broke up shortly after. We still hang out, and occasionally fool around. She's quite rough in the sack!

My third love was a crazy emotional chick who I stupidly decided to live with for a year. This was followed by a breakdown, breakup, get back together, breakup, get back together, and breakup. This time it's permanent. Since then she's become a mangy whore.

Sadly, I caught a fleeting glimpse of the love of my life this summer. Too bad she wouldn't have me.
(Fri 21st Oct 2005, 0:59, More)

» Little things that turn you on

Also
The tastefully exposed collarbone is also very very very very nice. That and the thyroid gland.

I'll shut up now.
(Fri 18th Feb 2005, 5:29, More)

» Little things that turn you on

Truns Me On
Curly hair.

Mmmmmm... Bob!

No. seriously. curly.
(Fri 18th Feb 2005, 5:27, More)