b3ta.com user HairyTwatter
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Profile for HairyTwatter:
Profile Info:

I was raised a omnivorous cliff dweller in postwar Djibouti on the banks of the River Guano. I began making folk art carvings of the local grit separator divers from goat dopplers as a way to supplant my family's meager income earned from giving marksmanship lessons with double barrel slingshots and stamping "Nyet Skid" on cheap Russian imported condoms.

We arrived on the coast of North Carolina during the notorious Morehead City Boatlift of Ash Wednesday 1969. I continued to hone my carving skills, getting good enough to fashion an acceptable rendition of Jesse Helms doing "Riverdance" replete with fishnet stockings and a tight little bottom until all my tools were destroyed during the little known great Hurricane Homer floods of 1989. As the flood waters receded I found a rare Leica M2.5 that had washed up in the yard, complete except caked in a mass of pig poop. From there it was only a short step to my current living of selling pumps, and my pastimes of using Leicas to open pop bottles, javelin catching and using a magnifying glass to incinerate insects on the sidewalk here in front of the ward...

Recent front page messages:

Vote for him. Or he drops the cloth.

(Thu 7th May 2015, 18:23, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Mobile phone disasters

My ringtone is the beginning bars of Tubular Bells
better known here in the States from The Exorcist. Two things worth remembering:

- First time it went off with a coworker from Chicago he almost shat himself. Apparently the movie scared the everloving crap out of him when he was a kid.
- It rang when I was in the airport in Nashville...you know, Bible belt. The woman next to me looked horrified, got up and moved away. Perfect!
(Sat 1st Aug 2009, 14:48, More)

» Accidental innuendo

I work in the process pump industry and all of its glamour. Anyway, 15 years ago I worked in a cubicle farm office...phone rang in the guy's cubicle next to mine. Guy liked to use his speakerphone...caller wanted to put olive oil into his machine that made bread on an industrial scale. He said, "I want to pump olive oil" whereupon my coworker said, "Does Popeye know about this?" Thank God for speaker phones.
(Sun 15th Jun 2008, 1:44, More)

» Broken Promises

the fuck are all the flying cars and automatic shit we wuz promised yonks ago?


Popular Science, you got some 'splaining to do...
(Fri 3rd Dec 2010, 14:45, More)

» B3ta Person of the Year 2010

This suggestion sponsored by the Gay Shift.
(Thu 16th Dec 2010, 23:47, More)

» Abusing freebies

Rubbish cans full of trade show shit
I worked for a company that exhibited at the National Plastics Exposition in Chicago in 1991. The German firm Kraus-Maffei had a huge injection molding machine running, stamping out 35 gallon rubbish cans. People, being whores for free shit, would take a can, then walk the rest of the show filling the can up with shit from all the other exhibitors. When I got to the airport the last day of the show there were about 50 of these cans of trade show trinkets lined up along the wall. See, Kraus-Maffei made cans, but no lids...so the greedy fucks that took all the trade show trinkets couldn't take the crap home on the airplane.
(Fri 9th Nov 2007, 19:17, More)
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