» Dentists

Either lies or negligence
I've always had rubbish teeth, inherited off my Mum (who got her first denture at SIXTEEN), meaning an early entry into the joy of dental abcesses. I'd had three teeth out under general anaesthetic before I was 9. Inevitably, I got lots of fillings in my brand new adult teeth.

Anyhow, at age 16, I go for a routine check-up and my new dentist (at the same practice as my previous one) decides to give me an x-ray, just to check "if anything's wrong".

Lo and behold, it turns out ALL the fillings I'd had from my previous dentist had been rubbish. According to my new one, six of them still had teeny pockets of decay underneath the filling - I'm not sure how he could tell this from a blurry x-ray - and, brilliantly, that they'd all have to be replaced that day or I'd die or something.

What an afternoon of unbridled joy that turned out to be. SIX re-fillings in one day, leaving me with enamel the thickness of rice paper.

After all the work had been done, The dentist joyfully told me that I'd definitely need dentures before I was 30.

The same guy then gave me the world's ugliest root canal (when I was 17, on a canine) and made sure I had another two fillings before I reached 18 and was free to decide dental scheduling for myself.

Thinking about it, I should have sued the living shit out that practice for apparently fucking up so many fillings, but this was long before the likes of Claims Direct made you realise you could bleat for cash if something horrible happened to you that wasn't your fault. Fuck.

Needless to say, I didn't go to the dentist again until I was 31, when a brutal abcess got me this summer.

Thankfully, the emergency dentist did two extractions (because he wasn't sure which tooth was the culprit) with absolutely zero pain. Marvellous. The only horror there was the bill.

I now want steel teeth like Jaws. With diamond tips and stuff.
(Mon 6th Nov 2006, 13:49, More)

» Mix Tapes

Not your usual mixtape
In the mid 90s, my mates and I regularly made mix tapes for each other as we spiralled off into our own unique voyages of musical discovery. Some awesome songs emerged that ended up becoming staples, such as a Sitar tune where it sounded like a whole chorus were singing "cunnnnt... unnnnt" over and over again. One of us was into obsure punk bands, another into deep funk, another into dance and so on, so eventually our tapes evolved into stupendously eclectic collections that represented thousands of hours of research.

However, the best mix tape I ever made was a 30-min compilation of commodore 64 game tunes on an authentic Boots computer tape. There is nothing tragic about that at all. My mate said it was awesome music for doing the washing up to.
(Fri 8th Feb 2008, 11:56, More)

» Other people's diaries

If Frank Spencer is so funny
Why doesn't he set up a blog or something rather than filling QOTW with his 'comedy' posts?

Then all his copycats can spam his comments too and everyone will be happy. Bless!
(Mon 5th Feb 2007, 11:09, More)

» Inappropriate crushes

TPT
I had one of those dirty dreams about Tara Palmer Tompkinson.

It was so vivid, it felt like I'd actually done it with her. So much so that whenever she was on the telly, I got that warm feeling inside that says 'I've seen your bits'. That lasted for about three months.

I was also obsessed with Nadia Swahalla. For some reason, I found her mind-blowingly sexy for about two years. I probably still would have massive sex with her.
(Tue 3rd Oct 2006, 16:20, More)

» My first experience of porn

Woodland treasures yes again yes.
My first ever porn experience was around 11, when some pals showed me a mag they'd found in the woods. As we were village kids, we'd spend a lot of time in various woods on bikes and during my teenage years, we came across a fair number of big stashes.

The first stash we found when I was about 13. This was a huge amount of early 80s top shelf mags. Instead of splitting it equally, I took two mags whilst a pal and his brother took the rest (two carrier bags packed to the brim).

This ended in disaster as my mate's brother joked that he'd tell their parents about it. My mate flew into a panic, tore up all the mags and put them in a cardboard box, which then (bafflingly) he set afloat on a river.

A ship of runined porn.

I was gutted as a third of them were blatantly mine.

Over my teen years, I was lucky enough to be part of various teams that uncovered a further three caches of porn, including one that filled two binbags.

That one was unsurpassed until the early 90s, when a porn-obsessed friend of ours dumped about 30 kilos of mags on me in a surprise visit. I told him he should have dumped it in the woods, simply as a matter of respect.
(Mon 29th Jan 2007, 11:20, More)