b3ta.com user impossibly witty twat
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» "Needless to say, I had the last laugh"

Audi driving twunt
The other day, I was on the motorway in my adopted home in France, overtaking a lorry at the national speed limit of 130kmh. I’m about half way past the big diesel chugging, Paella slurping, shit-stained y-front-toting, crumpled porn mag grasping driver when I notice the prince of all cunt cars zooming up behind me - an Audi TT. If you’ve ever driven here you may notice a mildly irritating habit the people have of leaving their indicators on “left” when overtaking, even if they are in the fast lane and there is no “left” other than the barrier. This guy was doing this, thus letting me know that he intended basically to overtake everything in his path, and that I should hurry up and get the fuck out of his way. Not content with the indicator alone, he also decided to start flashing his headlights and gesticulating wildly with his hands in a wannabe proper mediterranean diego fashion. The thing is, as a new driver I’m only supposed to do 110kmh, which is not realistic, but it’s not worth the risk going over 130 as I would be on shit street proper if I got flashed. So I maintained my speed. In fact I may even have slowed down a bit, as the rage and indignation leapt through my synapses. Another example of mindless aggression from the security of an expensively engineered locked steel box.

For some reason, when I do get past the lorry, the guy insists on pulling up alongside me and waving his hands at me wildly. I’m sure there was actually spit hitting the inside of his passenger side window. Now, I’m normally a fairly careful driver, preferring to keep both hands on the wheel at all times, but I broke a rule and gave this guy a nice frank middle finger and blew him a kiss. Not sure what inspired the kiss, but it really seemed to enrage him. The nutter overtook me, then stayed at my speed, pointing at the next “aire de répos”, which was just 500m away, and implying that we should meet there to discuss our differences.

I really do not go in for this sort of thing, I mean you never know who is in the car do you? But on this occasion the rage caused by him cutting me up as he overtook carried enough momentum to guide my car onto the slip road and into the small car park where I pulled up along side him and got out of the car. I was surprised when he didn’t do the same.

After a time, a custom built sliding door began to open slowly on the Audi, to the background of quiet siren and a flashing light. As the interior of the car was revealed, a wheelchair bound figure came into view. In time a ramp slid out and a smiling head and torso in a wheelchair rolled down on to the tarmac. The motorised chair moved to face me almost silently and its owner made a classic “what are you gonna do?” shrug with his two good arms outstretched, ripe to embrace the prize of my impotent outrage. I jabbed him once hard in the face and drove off wondering whether I had done the right thing or not. Probably.
(Mon 7th Feb 2011, 15:39, More)

» Breasts

B3ta error to report
Dear IT support,

When I am lurking it up checking out people's profiles there is a great deal of information available re posts, QOTW, etc, etc, which is all very good, but there does not appear to be a tab entitled "SHOW ME THIS USER'S NORKS".

Surely this oversight will soon be corrected. Everyone likes norks.

Kind regards,

El Norkmeister
(Fri 7th May 2010, 15:46, More)

» Old stuff I still know

Tank Fly Boss Walk Jam Nitty Gritty, You're listening to the boy from the big bad city. This is Jam hot.
That is all.
(Mon 4th Jul 2011, 10:44, More)

» Annoying Partners

I love my wife....
....but she's going to have to learn that THERE FUCKING IS A WRONG WAY TO LOAD THE FUCKING DISHWASHER. There may be more of these, I fear I may be a domestic nazi.
(Thu 4th Aug 2011, 15:25, More)

» Horrible things I've done to a loved one

Ex-girl friend wakes me up in the middle of the night...
It's not what you think, she's had a TERRRIBLE NIGHTMARE. I hold her and when she's calmed down a bit, whisper in my best gruff monster voice "maybe it was real, bitch". Mean? Yep. True? Yep. Warranted for years of manipulation and beeling? Yep.
(Thu 16th Jun 2011, 13:08, More)
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