» Not Losing Your Virginity

Morality
My friend has just taken a job in Nigeria and is currently forced to endure almost nightly power cuts, which make for interesting candle light conversations.

As you'll probably know, there is a great deal of AIDS in the country and one of the curbing measures they attempt is to try and promote a sense of sexual morality in order to prevent sex before marriage.

Apparently, according to a local my mate is staying with, one of these stories is this:

They'd tell you that the Archangel Gabriel gathered up every single sperm which you spilled outside marriage, and saved them in the flames of hell for the day of judgement. Then when you died and arrived in hell and asked for water, they'd serve you a cup brimming with a lifetime's worth of your own scaldingly hot spunk.

Oh, if only I'd known this before...
(Wed 1st Nov 2006, 16:34, More)

» When animals attack...

Bullocks
When I was 16 I started an A-Level photography project called 'The Natural World', which in the case of Britain usually meant scurrying around fields looking for poppies and the occasional fox. On one such expedition I stumbled upon a field that was full of bullocks. The scent of ovulating young heffers was clearly in the air, as they seemed to be drunk with the horn and mounting anything - each other, gateposts, thistles...
When I walked into the field, the sex-crazed eunuch man-cows looked at me for about a second before deciding I was fair game and proceeded to chase me, presumbly with the intention of penetrating my fragile form... I had to leg it for about 100 metres (they're surprisingly fast) before hurdling the fence, clipping my toe and falling face-first into a pile of dirt. Still, it was better than being shafted by a herd of horny bullocks.
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 15:32, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

My boss
...commands a lot of respect. His name is Angus. His nickname is Silent G. As in, Anus...
(Mon 22nd May 2006, 16:31, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

Crazy clean girl
Managed to get back to this girl's house who I'd been seeing for a little while. She announces after much heavy petting and near nakedness that she wants to go for a bath. "Aha, go for a bath," I think, imagining dirty, soapy going ons. "No, I need a bath," she says. OK, it's now 3.30am and I'm drinking after a late night the day before. After about half and hour, I fall asleep on her bed. Awake two hours later to find she is still in the bath and has obviously fallen asleep in the tub herself. I knock on the door and hear some frantic splashing about and she emerges two minutes later wrapped in her bath robe, shivvering and muttering weird nonsensical sleepy ramblings about how she was 'doing her best'. Had to wait until the morning for a lame hungover pump in the end. Dammit!
(Mon 7th Mar 2005, 14:54, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

Poo bag
When I was at uni, we had to advertise for a random person to move into our house of 8 after my mate went off to France for a gap year. The only person who wasn't totally freakish who applied was this rather quiet kid called Saqid, or Saq for short.

He turned out to be a bit of disaster - he lived on nothing but dodgy tesco tinned curry served with a mountain of rice (which frequently caused him to spend hours shitting it out), used to get stoned on Marlboro Lights and pissed on nothing more than a pint of cider.

After a night out, there was me, my very new girlfriend, Saq and a (really actually quite attractive) girl he'd inexplicably managed to pull. After another drink or two, Saq gets up and says he's just popping to the loo. He does. For about 40 minutes. There's only so much small talk you can get through before everyone in the room realises he's gone to crimp one out. It was most embarassing for everyone concerned as we all barely knew each other.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he was known form then on – never to his face, only between the other housemates – as Saq of Shit.
(Mon 22nd May 2006, 16:15, More)