» Dodgy boozers

Beer and wanking
20 years ago I was a young spirit, scraping across Americas underbelly, looking under stones for whatever ghastly sordid fabulousness I could find.
Was in The Hole In The Wall in San Francisco. The bar was nicely dingy, with a tv suspended from the ceiling at a jaunty angle.
On the tv were loads of clips from The Simpsons, stupid tv adverts, and assorted visual randomness, flicking back and forward merrily.
Then, every couple of minutes, there would be a 5 second click of a hairy, overweight man wanking merrily away. Then back to The Simpsons for a few more minutes, then more hairy man wanking.
The hairy man bore more than a passing resemblance to the barman.
So, man gets paid to serve us beer, and makes us watch him wank.
Nice pub otherwise.
(Sat 8th Feb 2014, 10:50, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

videocamera brick
I was living (for living read doing lots of drugs) in America for a couple of years, and this guy came into the deli I was working in. He had a shrink wrapped video camera box with a Circuit City receipt that looked like the guy had just taken out some finance deal on it. He only wanted $120 (that was ten years ago - $120 would have bought you lots of stuff then) so I rushed upstairs to my coke-addled boss and got an advance (the guy assured me he would wait till I got back, stand up bloke that he was). I scampered back and thrust the cash in his face and grabbed my ill-gotten gains. Imagine my surprise when I unwrapped an house brick, lovingly encased in the polysterene foam packaging. As a laugh, I kept it for a while, and sellotaped the Sony logo to it, and would pretend to video people with it. Of course, inside I was seathing.... bastard.....
(Sat 27th Oct 2007, 1:16, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

best millisecond of her life
I was travelling about in the States, and had made it all the way from Florida to California because the guy who had bought the van thought he might be onto a promise with a girl we'd met during Mardi Gras. I got her friend, who was skinny and had more gum than teeth, and found it pretty easy to play it cool with her. This clearly sent her into a frothing fizz, so she tried like a bear all evening. Eventually she resorted to getting me shit faced, on that revolting gold flakes & cinammon shit. By this point I was thinking it might actually be fun, so back to hers, on with a johnny, and I swear I don't think I even got in an inch before I popped, much to her disgust. Next morning was fabulous - me with chronic shame & pounding hangover, trying to drink a coffee while she glared at me. Sorry Tammy, wherever you are....
(Sat 16th Jun 2007, 12:01, More)

» Utterly Drunk

Twat
I asked for a vodka martini in Mathers, at the top of Broughton Street in Edinburgh back in 1984. I actually said, in all seriousness, "shaken, not stirred." Twat. Sean Connery also used to deliver milk to our house. Fact.
(Sat 16th Feb 2013, 0:51, More)

» Blood

Bilateral trimming of yer turbinates
"Turbinate bone refers to any of the scrolled spongy bones of the nasal passages in humans and other vertebrates" (thanks wiki).
So, I'm 16, had a few nasal operations to stop gigantic nose bleeds and generally open up my airtubes for breathing purposes. I go out for the count, and wake up feeling croggy, and as I come peoperly to, I notice, out of the bottom vision of my eyes, that my nose appears to be several sizes bigger than I recall. Feel pretty groggy, and as the day wears on, I start feeling a bit spewy. Eventually, I decide that spewing is the only thing that will make me feel better, so imagine my delight when all I barf up is a mass of congealed clots of blood. This continues all day, until they stop giving me the recycled cardboard hat things they have, and start giving me shiny metal bowls to spew into. Eventually, in the evening, as I start to resemble a vampire, they decide to take me back into theatre to see why I'm filling my stomach with blood. Naturally enough, they've just not cauterised my nose properly. Anyhoo, blood transfusions ahoy, and next day I'm feeling a bit better. Imagine my delight when it comes to changing my bandages. Doctor pulls out the old sticky bloody ones, dips the light gauze into some novocaine substance and begins ramming it up my nose. And continues. And continues. 6 fecking feet PER NOSTRIL. To top it all I had little blue plastic splint things stapled to the inside of my nose, which stuck out making me look like a retard. And can I breathe any better? Go on, guess....
(Wed 13th Aug 2008, 17:02, More)