» Out of my depth

Kenny Dalglish
Years ago my brother was playing junior footy in the North Merseyside leagues... His team was playing against a team that had Paul Dalglish (King Kenny's Son). Anyway the match was well under way and I thought I'd go down and check out the match and see my brother play... As I approached the pitch I saw my old man on the touchline bangin on to some fella in a sheepskin coat.. as I got nearer I realised my Dad was talking to Kenny Dalglish, one of the greatest Liverpool players ever, championship winning manager (he had just won the league with Blackburn about a week before). As I got on within earshot of them both... the first thing I heard from the old man was "Your'e talking shite Kenny, they should be playing 5 in midfield..."
(Fri 15th Oct 2004, 14:55, More)

» Job Interviews

The dirty stop out....
I mate of mine a few years back had a job interview for a graduate entry position at the European Marketing Department for a famous frozen food brand. A month earlier at a house party he met this nice looking blonde mid/late 20's and completely off it on every class A drug going and tons of booze. Well my mate is a bit smooth talker and a bit of cad ended up getting in there and said he had probably the most depraved sex he has ever had in his entire life. He said he almost needed a walking frame to get home the following day.

You can see where I'm going with this can't you...

Well anyway he rocked up at the interview and half way through he was told that the head of pan european marketing would be joining them for the stage 2. Stage 2 kicks off and in walks the blonde from the party!! My mate had an inkling that the interview wasn't well and was most likely not get the job so decided to have a bit of fun and make this girl squirm a bit - queue lots of double entendres and ridiculous hints...
Q)Why did you leave your last job?
A) I got absolutely shafted by my boss
Q)Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A)I feel that I have the necessary drive and experience to be on top of management. etc etc

This poor girl sat there absolutely crimson and the other to interviewers were giving her strange looks because she didn't say a word whilst my mate was giving her sly winks. Anyway after about 10 minutes she said she felt unwell and buggered off.

Wish I had an interview that good. Mine have all been shite....
(Fri 21st Jan 2005, 16:51, More)

» My Worst Date

The dreaded zipper
I'm sure this one has happened to a few people...

It's happened to me twice!

Been in a nice pub/ bar date is going really well, having a good chat etc etc get a bit half cut on booze then you need to go for a piss...

1) knob gets caught awkwardly in zipper on exit
2)proceed to accidently piss on front of trousers
3)Have decided to wear khaki trousers = piss shows up like a map of Africa on the front of trousers
4)Spend the next 10 - 15 minutes pointing hand dryer at trousers whilst standing on tip toes and wafting front of trousers trying to dry off the highly noticable piss stain.
5)Go back and have that unbearable paranoid feeling for the entire evening that she can smell piss whenever she comes within 1 metre of you...
(Sat 23rd Oct 2004, 16:25, More)

» Claims to Fame

claims to fame: Five Star, Natalie Imbruglia, Big Daddy, Keith Moon
Oh there is a few...

My brother's mate told Five Star they were Fucking Crap on Going Live - the joy of Phillip Schofield and Sarah Green looking crimson!

Walked in on Natalie Imbruglia and the girl from Skunk Anansie doing massive lines of devils dandruff at a party.

Called Big Daddy (the wrestler) a fat bastard when I was 13. He died a week later - I still feel somehow responsible... maybe I tipped him over the edge.

My Mum ran on stage and punched Keith Moon from The Who as he spat on one of her mates at a gig.
(Fri 25th Feb 2005, 13:14, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

My god - I've got a list and gets bigger every year!
Hitting 30 in Jan and it just gets worse...

1)Nasal hair - need to trim regularly, same with my bloody eye brows or I'd look like Dennis Healy.

2)Hangovers - 4 pints nowadays to have a thumpimg headache and a face like slapped arse the following day. Plus! my bladder has got weaker, as I piss like a racehorse after only 2 pints then constantly going to the bog like clockwork after every 3/4 pints.

3)Music is fifty/ fifty - haven't known what is No 1 in the charts for at least 10 years. But I reckon if I was 15 now - I would still think that it was utter shite. But I still go clubbing and I was listening to Snoop and Pharrell Williams earlier, so not too bad...

4)Fashion hmm - still think I wore better clothes - Chippie T-Shirts, Ralf Lauren Jumpers, Joe Bloggs Jeans when I was a young pup compared to the local scuffers in Nike track suits, burberry caps, white reeboks and clad in that shite Elizabeth Arden jewellery from Argos...
4)Have recently talked to my Dad about:- Gardens, Pension schemes, hill walking and doing a half marathon.

And to sum up...

5)I just can't go out and get battered on a school night and roll into work after 1 hours kip.

6)Knowing deep down that every 18 year old you would ever meet thinks your a wanker...
(Thu 28th Oct 2004, 23:54, More)