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marty!
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marty!
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» Now, there was no need for that...
Ceremonies
Went to a cousin's wedding in Newcastle area. I don't usually care for family occasions, as I hate awkwardly chatting with most of my distant aunties & uncles who happen to know everything about me because they're a million old, and tell the same wanky jokes that they did when I was a kid, and I didn't find them funny then.
So, as predicted, I was wandering awkwardly through the bar after the wedding, (where me and my dad, did the old "forbidden laugh" thing, where you find the slightest thing absolutely fucking hilarious in silent situations and just laugh each other because we're both laughing, and forget what we were laughing about in the first place, nearly bursting onto fellow pew warmers in the church) and met up with my family, and promptly it was announced that the meal was about to served in the dining room. This was about 4 o'clock, and everyone had been drinking since about 1ish, on empty stomachs. Therefore my Dad was a bit pissed, and getting into the mood of "Embarrass everyone you meet".
So waiting in the line to get in to the dining room, my sister says, "Hold my pint, I need to goto the toilet", and I says, "ok" and she wanders off. Didn't notice I was 3 people away from greeting the bride and groom with 2 pints in my hands. So I say to my dad, "Dad, hold one of these pints a sec", and I shake my cousins hand, and proceed to kiss the bride on the cheek, leaning forward in the process.
I came back, noticing my pint felt lighter. I looked down at the bride's dress and yeah, you guessed it, i had spilt 3/4 of my pint of snakebite all down her white wedding dress.
Thing is, bride hadn't noticed, until my dad pipes up, howling, "HAHAHAHAH!!! You idiot, you spilt your pint all down her dress!!!"
Was there any fucking NEED for that?!
Cue me turning claret in embarrassment and her turning claret in anger. She runs off crying to the toilet while I scamper away sheepishly, while my Dad is doubled over on the floor, laughing sadistically. Haven't spoken to said Cousin's wife since. Or rather, she hasn't spoken to me.
That was also the weekend my engine decided to fuck itself up, costing me about 700 quid. No, fucking, need.
my penis is massive.
(Wed 22nd Jun 2005, 15:05, More)
Ceremonies
Went to a cousin's wedding in Newcastle area. I don't usually care for family occasions, as I hate awkwardly chatting with most of my distant aunties & uncles who happen to know everything about me because they're a million old, and tell the same wanky jokes that they did when I was a kid, and I didn't find them funny then.
So, as predicted, I was wandering awkwardly through the bar after the wedding, (where me and my dad, did the old "forbidden laugh" thing, where you find the slightest thing absolutely fucking hilarious in silent situations and just laugh each other because we're both laughing, and forget what we were laughing about in the first place, nearly bursting onto fellow pew warmers in the church) and met up with my family, and promptly it was announced that the meal was about to served in the dining room. This was about 4 o'clock, and everyone had been drinking since about 1ish, on empty stomachs. Therefore my Dad was a bit pissed, and getting into the mood of "Embarrass everyone you meet".
So waiting in the line to get in to the dining room, my sister says, "Hold my pint, I need to goto the toilet", and I says, "ok" and she wanders off. Didn't notice I was 3 people away from greeting the bride and groom with 2 pints in my hands. So I say to my dad, "Dad, hold one of these pints a sec", and I shake my cousins hand, and proceed to kiss the bride on the cheek, leaning forward in the process.
I came back, noticing my pint felt lighter. I looked down at the bride's dress and yeah, you guessed it, i had spilt 3/4 of my pint of snakebite all down her white wedding dress.
Thing is, bride hadn't noticed, until my dad pipes up, howling, "HAHAHAHAH!!! You idiot, you spilt your pint all down her dress!!!"
Was there any fucking NEED for that?!
Cue me turning claret in embarrassment and her turning claret in anger. She runs off crying to the toilet while I scamper away sheepishly, while my Dad is doubled over on the floor, laughing sadistically. Haven't spoken to said Cousin's wife since. Or rather, she hasn't spoken to me.
That was also the weekend my engine decided to fuck itself up, costing me about 700 quid. No, fucking, need.
my penis is massive.
(Wed 22nd Jun 2005, 15:05, More)
» Dumb things you've done
Once
I licked a lightbulb when it was switched on.
I was 10, reading a book before going to bed, when I picked up the lamp (it was a clippy one that went just above my bed). I looked at it, like a child would stare into the sun in that curious way till it looks like a white pill in the sky (obviously done that too much too).
Then for some unknown reason I quickly and fluently took the biggest *lap* of it, right from the back of my tongue, to the front, like it was a melting ice cream. My tongue couldn't hack it. Screaming in obvious derision and the stupidity of my actions, I ran to the tap and posted myself to the cold water tap for the next 10 minutes.
As I fell asleep that night with mouth wide open, tongue protruded out, pool of saliva increasing around me, I was terrified I'd burnt all my taste buds away, and had become in essence, Dave Lister with only one taste bud.
Luckily, if you had seen my belly, you'll know I gained them back.
(Thu 3rd Jan 2008, 16:54, More)
Once
I licked a lightbulb when it was switched on.
I was 10, reading a book before going to bed, when I picked up the lamp (it was a clippy one that went just above my bed). I looked at it, like a child would stare into the sun in that curious way till it looks like a white pill in the sky (obviously done that too much too).
Then for some unknown reason I quickly and fluently took the biggest *lap* of it, right from the back of my tongue, to the front, like it was a melting ice cream. My tongue couldn't hack it. Screaming in obvious derision and the stupidity of my actions, I ran to the tap and posted myself to the cold water tap for the next 10 minutes.
As I fell asleep that night with mouth wide open, tongue protruded out, pool of saliva increasing around me, I was terrified I'd burnt all my taste buds away, and had become in essence, Dave Lister with only one taste bud.
Luckily, if you had seen my belly, you'll know I gained them back.
(Thu 3rd Jan 2008, 16:54, More)
» Procrastination
Remote
Although technically not procrastination I guess, I do tend to do this.
I'll be sitting, watching TV, dorito crumbs down my shirt front, when some bollocksy advert comes on. Time to change channel. But oh no! Where's the remote?!
I will then scour the sofa, putting hands down the side of it, looking underneath of it and the table, looking around the room in the most ridiculous places, for 10 mins maybe.
Instead of just getting up, going to the telly, and switching the channel via the big buttons on the front.
Later, I would inevitably discover the remote next to the bog.
(Fri 14th Nov 2008, 7:48, More)
Remote
Although technically not procrastination I guess, I do tend to do this.
I'll be sitting, watching TV, dorito crumbs down my shirt front, when some bollocksy advert comes on. Time to change channel. But oh no! Where's the remote?!
I will then scour the sofa, putting hands down the side of it, looking underneath of it and the table, looking around the room in the most ridiculous places, for 10 mins maybe.
Instead of just getting up, going to the telly, and switching the channel via the big buttons on the front.
Later, I would inevitably discover the remote next to the bog.
(Fri 14th Nov 2008, 7:48, More)
» Teenage Poetry
Your face is like a minge...
I just wanna fuck it...
subtle?
(Sun 14th Aug 2005, 2:32, More)
Your face is like a minge...
I just wanna fuck it...
subtle?
(Sun 14th Aug 2005, 2:32, More)