» When I met the parents

About two years ago my (then 19-year-old) brother was messing about with a permanent marker
and drew a big 'L' and big 'R' inside his trainers (for 'left' and 'right' obviously)

A few weeks later he was meeting a girl's parents for the first time, her mum answers the door, and he's being all polite, on his best behaviour and that. Noticing a shoe rack by the door, he takes off his trainers and stacks them neatly on the top. This is the point at which her mum notices the spaz-labels inside his trainers, looks at him, purses her lips (but says nothing) and invites him through to the sitting room.

He didn't see the girl again.
(Thu 19th May 2005, 14:14, More)

» On the stage

When I was about seven,
I got the part of "Snowflake number 6" in my first school Winter Spectacular. This involved all of 30 seconds in the limelight, prancing across the stage in a tutu made of tissue paper (the budget didn't stretch to real costumes, obviously.)

I tripped while exiting stage-left, got my foot caught in a table that made up part of the set, and as I felt myself fall off the stage, I grabbed the closest thing to me: the curtain. Which then completely collapsed.

The table, the curtain and me fell in one big, messy heap, right on top of an old, wheelchair-bound audience member.

It was a long time before I went on stage again.
(Fri 2nd Dec 2005, 14:15, More)

» Stupid Tourists

A couple of years back, I went to Alton Towers with two friends -
Claire and Sarah. It was raining, so the place was pretty empty, there only seemed to be us, a few families and a group of French exchange kids. During the afternoon the kids took to following us around, jabbering away in french, assuming we wouldn't understand they were calling us 'dumb english bitches' and so on.

Sarah lived in Mauritius til she was ten, French is her first language, so after an hour or so she turned round and said (in perfect French)'You really should be more careful who you talk about, I've understood everything you said, and unless you piss off now I'll go find your teacher and tell her exactly what you've been saying, you stupid little motherfuckers.'

They scarpered pretty quickly, tails between (frogs) legs.
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 18:21, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

I grab a few pieces of paper
as if I'm off to send a fax or whatever, then wander to the loos, pop the toilet seat down, sit down, and nap for up to half an hour. Then return to my desk, looking mildly annoyed and complaining about the fax machine/photocopier. With any luck, a colleague will offer me a cup of tea, and it's become the most productive part of my day.
(Wed 27th Apr 2005, 21:44, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

A tip for the virgin girls..
...if you don't want to bleed the first time you have sex, go horse-riding regularly for a while beforehand. I spent most weekends from the age of 10 at the stables, and my hymen was broken long before my periods even started. No pain whatsoever, my first time went like a dream.

Plus, a crop can come in really handy at times...
(Sat 5th Mar 2005, 6:32, More)