» The passive-aggressive guilt trip

Oh I see.
One year I've been a member of B3ta, one year, and was there a present? Hmm? A "thank-you" for joining? Hmmm?

50 QOTWs and not once have you stopped to ask me how am I? Is everything alright?

I bet you're not even going to click "I like this". One little click, and even that's too much for you. Sometimes I wonder if you'd be happier if I were dead…
(Mon 17th Oct 2005, 14:21, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

Not me, not bought. Meh.
Was just walking down to the doors of a pub in Oxford in time for last orders when a guy came out carrying a large ornate chair. Clearly one hell of a steal, he looked suitably proud of himself until one of the barstaff came out after him, ran up and took the chair out of his hands. “I don’t think you need that”.

The bloke didn’t seem too upset, shrugged his shoulders and watched as the barman took the chair inside. As the door closed, he turned and walked away up towards us, reaching behind his back and under his jacket, which, in hindsight I realised must have possessed Tardis-like qualities. He then whipped out an framed oil painting the size of a poster. Holding it in both hands, he walked past us looking at the picture nodding his head and smiling in appreciation. The best pub steal I’ve ever seen.
(Mon 13th Jun 2005, 10:00, More)

» I just don't get it

As a self-professed pedant...
I don’t get it when people say things such as “I literally died”. No – you “virtually”, or “nearly” died would be a suitable if probably just hyperbolic comment. “Literally” is not applicable as you unfortunately still have breath to utter such ridiculous comments.

I also don’t get why I’m not invited to more parties.
(Thu 31st Mar 2005, 12:30, More)

» Out of my depth

I was never the biggest kid in school
I’d like to say that for what I lacked in size I made up for in moral outrage, but my experiences have led me to believe moral outrage is a BAD THING. Once, when all the other kids had grown up and me and a few mates were still children (not sure if anything’s changed 10 years on) we were in the school canteen and my mate decided to throw a pea at me. I naturally was compelled to throw one back and things began to escalate. Our ballistic proliferation was quickly brought to a halt, however, when my mate’s aim strayed and a pea in tomato ketchup hit the guy next to me. Never good, this was made worse by the fact he happened to be one of the biggest kids in school, and a psycho to boot. He was not amused. My mate was safe, being across the table and a few seats down. The psycho decided that fair would be to wipe his ketchup-covered tie on my uniform. I got up to leave, and then that bloody moral outrage kicked in. That’s when I tipped my entire tray of food- curry, rice, and peas, into said psycho’s lap. I didn’t stop for a reaction and, honestly, I calmly walked off- I think I’d gone into pre-traumatic shock. I went back to the common room, where, somehow it had already become common knowledge and people kept coming up to ask about it. I just felt a bit sick. Sure enough, Psycho stormed in a few minutes later and I got my pasting. Funny thing was, moral outrage still hadn’t f##ked me over enough, and instead of ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘Have some money’, all that could come out of my mouth was ‘You’re a f##king Neanderthal’ over and over again, which did nothing to curtail the beating. I think bewilderment was what saved me. The guy didn’t know what to make of the streak of pi$$ that wouldn’t shut up. Sort of like a early, completely uncool version of fightclub.
Apologies for Length – First Post.
(Tue 19th Oct 2004, 10:07, More)

» Jobsworths

Worked in Customer Services for a mail order mobile phone shop.
Never buy your phone from a mail order mobile phone shop. If anything goes wrong, it will probably never be fixed. (Although in fairness that seems to be true of every company's customer support now)
I digress. Most of the callers had legitimate complaints. Some, though, called just trying to blag stuff or because they were the sort who enjoyed complaining. One woman had called a number of times and had really bullied some of the staff. She was ranting about how although she'd never signed up for insurance, she should still be covered and she should get a replacement for the handset she had got wet. Sure enough, the cheque for the insurance she didn't send when she got the phone arrived a few days before she first called in about getting a new phone under the cover. I put a note on the system to transfer her to me when she next called andwhen she did I let her rant, argued with her about whether she should be covered, finally agreed to allow the cover, then told her the terms of the insurance didn't cover water damage. That shut her up. I could imagine blood vessels popping when I told her, "I'm sure worse things happen at sea", before cutting her off.
Length? You probably haven't read this far.
(Thu 12th May 2005, 10:55, More)