b3ta.com user simon shitting mason
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» Common

As something desirable or worthwhile to do. As in 'Pimp My Ride'.

To be strictly accurate, 'pimping' your car would mean renting it out to strangers and breaking its headlights on a regular basis.
(Sat 18th Oct 2008, 22:10, More)

» Heckles

Four Men And A Dog
Irish folkie type band.

They walked on stage, and sure enough there were four of them. Three fairly average-sized geezers; and one "super sized". The kind of size & shape that usually only Americans can attain.

"Where's the dog?!" shouts one wag.

"He's eaten it!!" answers another.
(Sun 9th Apr 2006, 11:24, More)

» Heckles

Sort of reverse heckle
I was near the front at some comedy night, and being tall the compere was always going to pick me out.

Earlier on in the evening though, I'd been joking with my mates about the new office I was working in. The address was 212 Broadway, and I made the hilarious observation that I could honestly say "I work on Broadway."

So when the compere starts on me - "Nice shirt, what's your name?" etc. and asks "...where do you work?" - I honestly answered: "On Broadway!"


"I expect you think this all a bit shit then."
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 18:28, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

It was the week I split from my ex-wife
... So I was off to a good start.

Then my aunt died, she was in hospital but it was unexpected. We had to get my parents off their dream retirement cruise & back to make the funeral arrangements. So a pretty awful week.

Then the funeral, at least when that's out of the way we'll start to feel a bit better. We do the thing at the crematorium, then back for the sarnies and cakes. We were all starting to relax a bit when the funeral director came in and quietly asked to see my Mum & uncle outside. They were gone for 20 minutes or so, then re-appeared; pale, shocked, looking like they're both about to keel over.

Turns out the incompetent fuckers had given us the wrong coffin. We had to go back and do it all over again. No idea who we'd just sent off.

So two funerals in a day.

Oh, and I had to have the cat put down that afternoon too.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 21:45, More)

» Tightwads

Thrifty vs. mean
Being half-Yorkshire, half-Scots, I've heard all the jokes about being mean, tightarsed, short arms long pockets etc. And it's true that lots of things my parents did would be described as 'mean' by Southerners - rinsing out the shampoo bottle to get the final dregs; not putting the kitchen light on; recycling old clothes as wash clouts & dusters etc.

But these are all thrift - not a familiar word to other English, and not the same thing as mean. Thrift is making the most of what you've already bought; mean is deliberately holding back something you can afford.

So the meanest person I know owns two £500,000+ houses outright; yet gives Christmas presents that were clearly bought for her last year and re-wrapped.

Like a box of ladies lace hankies, offered as a present to a 17 year old lad. Lovely.
(Tue 28th Oct 2008, 15:58, More)
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