» Evil Pranks

My father
is, for most of the year one of the quietest and most placid people you've ever met but for one day each year on the 1st of april he opens up and completely messes up at least one member of my family. Pranks have ranged from convincing everyone in my family they had jury duty over their holiday that year, sending me an itemised bill for £90 worth of porn sites I was supposed to have visited on a swanky internet terminal i had in my hospital bed after having my apendix out to convincing my nan Time Team were going to come and dig up her garden.
By far the best prank for longevity though has to be the time, 15 years ago, he meticulously cut open a cream egg with a hot knife, replaced the innards with mayonnayse, sealed it up, carefully rewrapped it and put it back in the frigde. My mum has not touched a cream egg since.
(Sun 16th Dec 2007, 15:11, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

In the RAF
Basic training is the most fun you can have without actually having any fun. Only realised it was actually pretty cool after I passed out.
Anyhoo. One part of the training is to get suited up in full NBC(nuclear, biological and chemical) suit and go into the gas chamber *ahem* Respirator Test Facility. Full of CS gas (similar, if not the same as, mace) we had to walk around for a while, jump up and down, wave our arms, make sure our suits worked. Then everyone stands at the back of the room in a group and the only thing standing between you and the fire exit is a huge feck off rock ape built like a brick shithouse, easily the hardest guy I ever met.
One by one the new recruits (we'd been in about 4 weeks by this point) would walk up to him, take off their respirator and try and answer some simple questions.

First guy: Name? "Sno...sno...snwegh"
he gets kicked out cos he's dying
Second guy: Name? Gazzard *cough*, Number: Bravo*cough*eigh..eigh...eigweh*cough*cough*
He gets kicked out cos he's dying
Now everyone is shitting housebricks
I walk up: Name? Beed, Number? G8515172 Siblings? One sister, she's 14, Why did you join the RAF? You've seen the guys that join the other forces right?
I get kicked out for being a smartarse

Turns out some people are immune to the gas, I rock!
(Thu 23rd Mar 2006, 22:56, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

I be a crap nickname magnet!!
So many i'm forced to do this in list form, even then I'm missing out quite a few.

Afro Man - ill advised teenage haircut
Flash - would be cool if i didn't get it for being notorious for spilling anything left in my charge when stacking shelves at ASDA
Crazy Frog - unfortunate resmblance :S
Quentin Tarenteno - see above
Archer, King of the Gorganintes - see above above
Anal - Unfortunate surname (Beed)
Beadwindow - The surname thing applied to an oddly named military operation

I'm sure there's more but I forget at the moment, oh well, hopefully will everyone else :P
(Thu 18th May 2006, 17:32, More)

» Teenage Parties

First Halloween after discovering teh booze...
I'd just started college after a drunken summer holiday having discovered drink and teenage rebellion shortly after my GCSEs. My favourite drink at the time was whiskey, specifically Bells. I would regually be found down the local park swigging the stuff straight out of the bottle, I thought I was so cool. So when i get invited to a small halloween party round my friends house and get asked what drinks I want her to get in I just say, "Get me a bottle of whiskey and I'll be happy for the night". First mistake!
I turn up and my vague instructions see me handed a litre of Lidl's finest within seconds of getting there. And now for my second mistake, half an hour later all the whiskey's gone. Now personally I remember nothing between looking at a half empty bottle and waking up in hopsital with some angry looking parents stood over me but I've never been aloud to forget that I proceded to finish the bottle, try and grope a girl that was sat next to me then spent the next hour before the ambulance turned up thowing up all over this girl's living room and garden before pulling off my party piece of crawling around the garden, pants round my ankles and pissing myself.
Haven't touched whiskey since, in fact, even the smell of the stuff still makes me need to hurl.
(Fri 14th Apr 2006, 10:18, More)

» Failed

Failed to join up to the right force
I joined the RAF a little over two years ago as an AMM (aircraft maintainence mechanic). This means I am going to be involved in basic aircraft maintainence for the next 2 years before I get any kind of responcibility.
My mate joined the RN a year before I signed up and is now a non-commissioned officer (something it is going to take me at least another five years to even get considered for).

Then again, if had have joined the navy I'd be up to my neck in cock by now, so it's swings and roundabouts really.
(Sat 6th Jan 2007, 3:13, More)