» Failed

spectacular driving test failure!!
i used to know this girl, let's call her S. she had the WORST case of munchausens syndrome you have ever heard. i used to just nod and listen, stupified by the web she wove. by 21 she had been a captain in the QARANCS, a radiographer in the NHS, a major of something in the Army and fooled a guy into marrying her by being pregnant and then *losing* it a few weeks later. and that (6 months after she had been sterilised) she was having a FIFTH child because her daughter needed stem cells to cure leukemia.

so she tells me she's doing her driving test (i'm thinking rocket ship to the moon?). two weeks later i bump into her and ask how it went. basically, her instructor had a massive heart attack JUST as she pulled into the kerb where he was about to tell her she had passed. luckily a priest just happened to be PASSING BY and gave the guy the last rites.

but as he had died BEFORE he had signed her off as a pass, she was told that she technically hadn't passed!! i was gobsmacked. i hadn't told her that we had the same instructor and he had taken me out that morning. he had said he wasn't going to have her in his car again, described her variously as "fuckin' nutter" "nearly made my eyes and ears and rectum bleed simultaneously".
(Sat 6th Jan 2007, 4:19, More)

» Failed

i got promoted - woo hoo!!
i had been working my crummy job for three years, getting more pissed off every day. one day the supervisor was just being a bitch and letting everybody who'd come in after me go on teabreak - so i thought "screw you - i will have your job!" and got an application - and didn't get the job. CURSES. and the bitch who got it looks just like the bitch in the hand sanitiser advert! NO HARD FEELINGS MY ARSE!!

so i went for the job again a few months later - but this time i was prepared. i kissed up to all the managers, did all the research i could and got it. everybody still hates the evil new supervisor but they love me cos i let them go on sneaky "toilet"(smoke) breaks, i don't tell, i ask them to help me and i don't treat them like minions. i'm happy cos i'm super well paid now, for less hours and i don't have to deal with customers/serial complainers anymore.

i know it's not a total failure story - but i'm happy.
(Sat 6th Jan 2007, 4:07, More)

» Pure Ignorance

stupid
i was flying to england to meet my (quite wealthy and posh) fiancee's parents for the first time and my mum warned him that i had a habit of saying "shit" all the time, in my broad northern irish accent - where most people would say, "crikey" or whatever. So, he tells his brother and sister in law on the way from the airport and they're just waiting for me to trip up. so i'm sitting there with his dad and all, drinking earl grey from a china cup and saucer trying to make a good first impression and their dog jumps on me, tea etc flying everywhere and i'm like "shit, oh feck, there's fecking tea everywhere, i'm fecking soaked, you eejit dog!". everyone was pissing themselves laughing or trying not to laugh. since then i have had many tea related disasters/spillages/etc.

my mother in law has now got the impression i am a foul mouthed clumsy bitch who snared her son, who will one day realise the mistake he has made. plus she believes i am turning my 15 yr old daughter into a prostitute by letting her get her nose pierced. my husband does not support me - he just pisses himself laughing after every disaster.
(Mon 10th Jan 2005, 21:15, More)