» Pure Ignorance

Gay abandon
I spent this Christmas at my parent's place and, as is customary at that time of year, was slumming it in front of the TV with various members of the family.

Idly flicking though the channels, up pops an advert for Tom Brown's Schooldays, picturing Stephen Fry with an assortment of young schoolboys.

At this my genius of a stepfather pipes up: "I bet Stephen Fry could hardly contain himself fliming that,"

Mildly confused, I wonder what he means. Of course, knowing my stepdad's tendancy to spout the most ignorant crap, I shouldn't have needed to ask.

"Well, he's gay, isn't he?"

"Erm, yes," I reply. "So...?"

He then proceeds to inform me that all gay men "fancy little boys" and reinforces this arguement by saying: "I went to boarding school, I should know."

Cue a tumbleweed-style silence and much jaw-dropping.

We turned over to the Vicar of Dibley.
(Wed 12th Jan 2005, 16:17, More)

» Near Death Experiences

Well...
... Ive had three.

First, aged six. Choking incident # 1.
I put Miss Scarlett (of Cluedo fame) in my mouth, who in turn insisted on lodging herself in my throat. She obligingly quit trying to finish me off only after my dad had hung me up by the ankles and thumped me on the back for five minutes.

Second, aged seven. Choking incident # 2.
A tasty poisonous berry of some description. In a panic, my aunt (not the brightest spark) gave me some Tizer (?!). When this failed to stop me dying, she decided to take me to the hospital, where they made me yak, then took my temp in a very scary way.

Third, aged 24. Stupidity incident # 1.
Making my tea, lit grill with a cheap disposable lighter. Put lighter on top of grill for a moment, thinking "must move that before the grill gets hot". The next thing I know, there's a huge explosion and sharp pieces of plastic are whizzing past my face at 100-plus miles an hour, leaving a big, bloody groove on my face (well, I say groove, may have just been scratch).

Not bad in 25 years, I'd say. Sorry for length, got carried away by reaffirmation of life.
(Wed 1st Dec 2004, 17:49, More)

» Jobsworths

More Pizza Hut fun
Whizzer - you reminded me of that delightful chap Simon, of the Exeter Hut.

On my (unplanned) last day of work there, the nob bollocked me for refusing to wear my standard issue chavvy baseball hat in the store, as the temp was about 40 degrees in there and I was close to passing out. So he gave me the tough choice of going home or wearing my hat.

Hmmm.... unfashionable heatstroke or a glorious summer evening having a few bevvies in the park with my mates? Tough call Simon, you cock.

I left the next day and never looked back. Well, actually , I went to work for Dominoes but thankfully that part of my life is now over :o)
(Tue 17th May 2005, 13:16, More)

» Guilty Pleasures

Car Idol
When I'm in the car on my own, my absolutely favourite thing is to sing along at the top of my voice to whatever I'm listening to. The best tracks for this have really good screamy lyrics, like the Hives.

This works best when there are lots of other cars around - especially traffic jams - there's nothing better than people you don't know staring at you like you've just been let out.

Sometimes I add a little dance, for that added thrill.

Makes me grin like an idiot...
(Sat 9th Apr 2005, 9:44, More)

» I just don't get it

No Angel ... No Talent
Dido.

I'm puzzled as to why anyone spends perfectly good money her 'albums'. I can hum tunelessly for 45 minutes and produce much the same effect and - look! I'm £10 better off.

Eminem, this is your fault.

Oh, Willis86 - it's "umpteen things clean".
I'll be off then...
(Thu 31st Mar 2005, 16:22, More)