» Jobsworths

Train staff (again)
Me and the girlfriend were over in the UK at Christmas. The GF catches a train to meet me somewhere in London, she's from New Zealand and only 5'3" and is weighed down by a backpack and several large bags.
She jumps onto the train and plonks herself down into the nearest empty seat, as she does she clocks a couple of train staff halfway down the carriage. A minute later as the train starts to pull out of the station they make a beeline for her.
"Ticket please"
She shows the ticket.
"This is a first class seat, you don't have a first class ticket"
The gf apologises, having not realised it was first class, and makes to move into the next carriage which is standard class (or whatever the fk its called now). The two staff, both guys and much bigger than her, block her from moving.
"You have to pay a fine for taking up a first class seat".
The gf protests, but they insist she must pay a fine.
"Look, I don't have any money on me anyway" she says, truthfully.
"Then you'll have to give us your address"
"I'm from New Zealand", she says
"You'll have to give us your address or we'll call the police to meet us at the next station"
"OK its.. " (proceeds to give address in New Zealand)
"No, we need an address in the UK"
"I don't HAVE a UK address, I'm from f@#%in NEW ZEALAND"

Needless to say she arrived to meet me shaking with rage, bless her. I was reminded why I left the country in the first place.
(Wed 18th May 2005, 7:00, More)

» Useless Information

Fact-o-matic
The New Zealand Royal Air Force has a kiwi as its symbol. Kiwi's are flightless birds.

Guinness brewed in Malaysia is 7% alcohol.
Guinness brewed in Australia tastes like piss.

The optimum % alcohol for drinking is around 20% - higher than this your stomach tightens up (or something) and it takes longer to get into your blood.

Kwik-E-Mart is a real chain of shops in New Zealand.

At 30m below sea level you can crack an egg and play with the contents like a ball. The pressure holds it together.
(Fri 18th Mar 2005, 2:22, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

Car bits and other guff
I still have the radiator badge from a Rolls Royce after I did a weeks work experience on the factory floor as a lad. I also have a plastic colour changing spoon whose origin now escapes me but may have been cereal-related. I think I still have a glow in the dark whistle from One Nation first birthday party at the Rocket, north London in about 1995. My bestest weird thing is a piece of red string a Cambodian kid taught me magic tricks with on Sihanoukville beach.
(Thu 4th Nov 2004, 23:56, More)

» When animals attack...

I don't know what it is about me and dogs..
I mean, I've never done anything to them but they just seem to have it in for me. I've been bitten or attacked numerous times but the worst ones were having my arm savaged by a rottweiler when I was about 9 or 10 on holiday in Anglesey, and then when I was a student and went to investigate a rustling in our backyard/bin area - turned out to be a giant white devil dog that didn't take kindly to having its bin rustling disturbed and bit off half my knee in return (note to all: if you ever hear a rustling in your backyard - just bloody leave it). Dogs. Man's best friend? My arse.
(Wed 8th Jun 2005, 3:31, More)

» Near Death Experiences

Dirty Harry Goes To Bangkok
Got hit by a Volvo on my paper round as a lad - bike got bent in half, I bounced over the bonnet, off the windscreen and landed in the gutter, smacking my head on the kerb, but got up and walked away without a scratch. Volvo driver nearly had a heart attack tho...

More recently I was in Bangkok and walking along the road with some friends when I see a guy legging down the street directly toward us. My attention is then drawn to the Thai copper who is chasing him and as I watch the cop strikes the classic pose with the huge dirty harry style gun he's packing and screams the Thai equivalent of "FREEZE M#THERF#CKER"!!

The problem from my point of view is I am directly in the line of fire of said hand cannon and the guy looks like he is about to fire. Like a rabbit in a cars headlights I just stood there, hardly able to believe my eyes. The cop must have then decided to try and arrest the fleeing guy instead of blowing him away and settled for firing in the air over our heads. The Thai crim sensibly stopped and gave himself up, we went off and got very drunk.
(Thu 25th Nov 2004, 22:20, More)