» Losing Your Virginity

Purple Vein, Puuurple Vein
19 years old, girl who I’ve been involved with a couple of times comes round to mine. We start drinking and chatting, we finish the whisky. I go to the off-license to buy some more. My mind starts whizzing, will I get some tonight? Well, considering that she is..umm… experienced, and let’s say slightly loose for lack of distasteful adjectives, I get to the conclusion that “Maybe perhaps I’ll get teh muff”. Should buy condoms, unfortunately they only have Playboy ones, which are damn expensive. Bugger that, I probably won’t get it anyway.
As she starts to fondle in my downstairs department I curse myself. After years of sexual education and adverts advising me to use condoms in such situations I decide to totally disregard this advice, figuring that it is merely a way for the Man to keep tight control over the population. Insert, thrust, repeat, only this action is stopped somewhere in the middle. So it’s more like Insert, thr…what the fukc?..Thru…no. Ahem. Doesn’t seem to work. On top of this I find myself thinking “What’s the next track on this album..Wha! What am I thinking? Let’s get this done!”. Unfortunately ‘this’ never is done. Half way through the stress kicks in, doubled by the excruciating pain my little man is subjected to.
Never heard it, never used it, but the inevitable “Shit, this never happened before” line pops out of my mouth, I guess that must be included in a strand of DNA or something.
When she leaves I go to the toilet and find that my ding dong must be like Global Hypercolors, for it is now bright purple. The next day at the doctor I learn I have burst a vein, and I need to get circumcised. Strangely enough, I had no problem wanking furiously before all this. Now I love teh secks thank you very much.

Girth, girth, girth
(Thu 3rd Mar 2005, 10:44, More)

» Near Death Experiences

Face Electrocution
I've been run over twice, nearly broke my neck skiing, nearly drowned at sea as a baby, and was in hospital for two weeks, full of tubes, when I had Meningitis. But the funniest one was the following:

6 years old, I decided to become a dentist. I took a small make up mirror of my mother's, and a night light that I had cause I was scared of the dark. The mission was to light up my mouth so I could see inside it with the mirror. To do this the night light had to be pluged into the wall, but for me to get my mouth round it it had to be sticking out a little. Cue to me sticking the bulb in my mouth, flicking the switch, tongue touching the plug, big spark, head shoots back, prickles all over my mouth, and no power in the house. I just sat for two minutes, looking stastled, but too scared to say anything to my mother.
(Thu 2nd Dec 2004, 13:42, More)

» You're a moviestar baby

Breakfast at Fanny's
I've been living in Romania for the past two years. Filming here is pretty cheap because you don't pay taxes for little kids and grandmothers to live. Some friends of mine were shooting a film called Rolling Dice, and they gave me a small part in it. I was to be one of the main guy's mates. The scene took place in a strip club. Woo and Yay thought I. Wrong, it was at 6 in the morning. So there I am, acting tough, with a beer in one hand, fag in the other, a scantily clad lady gyrating her minge in front of me and surrounded by a gang of evildoers. But all I'm thinking is "I want me fucking beeed"
(Wed 17th Nov 2004, 9:37, More)