b3ta.com user Jazz Bloke
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i like to watch it going in

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» Airport Stories

vibrating luggage
you can probably guess what i'm gonna say already, but every time i recount this story it makes me do a laughter wee. names and places have been changed a little bit to protect the guilty.

i was with my girlfriend vicky in new zealand and it was her birthday. we go out, get very drunk and decide to visit a sex shop. while vix isn't looking i buy a rather large black vibrating dildo and some batteries. we're due to fly the next day, so upon our return to the hostel i quite undiscretely secrete the dildo into her suitcase. we wake about 3 minutes before we are due to fly so panic sets in. vicky discovers the dildo and finds it hilarious. she wouldn't have found it hilarious if it not were for the alcoholic stupor, says thanks but she'll leave it here as she has me to satisfy her lady urges.

but no, i aint leaving $50 of black cock for the simple reason of price. so i chuck it in my hand luggage and manage to transfer it back into her suitcase en route in the taxi. we get there just in time and check the luggage in, go to the gate and get on the plane.

but what on earth is the delay? the captain says we've now missed our take-off slot and have to wait another half hour. the reason he gives is that there is a "sound emanation" from the hold. we sit and watch the suitcases come off the plane. vicky leans over and asks me why they are inspecting her case. its definitley hers cos its fucking massive and fucking pink. a member of the ground staff boards the plane and asks if a miss victoria markham is on board. the daggers i get from said (now former) girlfriend are enough to draw blood. she storms off the plane knowing full well what i've done. but this is the best bit. in clear view of the whole plane, vicky opens her case and pulls out the wobbling phallus to rapturous applause. but wait! she cant turn it off, its stuck to vibrate more violently than michael j fox in earthquake country. for a good ten minutes groundstaff grapple with the cock before vix rips it off them and hurls it on the floor. only this managed to pop the battery cover off and bring the vibrating fun to an end.

anyway, i get a good old bollocking from vicky and the groundcrew. but the best bit is that we get pissed on the plane and she lets me up the dirt track in the toilet 5 miles high. bonus!
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 13:35, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

my mate martyn
lost his to a 23 year old slapper in caravan in skegness when he was 16. he bought mr loverman the next day and played it repeatedly. on the way back home i threw it out the window. i was still a virgin.
(Thu 3rd Mar 2005, 13:36, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

just say no
grange hill's crusade against drug taking. they might as well have said take as many drugs as you can...did they not realise that if you tell kids not to do something, they will do it twice as hard?!
(Fri 5th May 2006, 11:48, More)

» Conned

it must be said:
the best cons are those which go undisclosed, any revelation dishonours the grafter!
(Fri 19th Oct 2007, 18:52, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

amsterdam, of course
first time, stag do. i was actually the only one who visited a lady, the others were more interested in beer. they should have gone to blackpool instead. anyway, gobjob for twenty quid. real cutie, real dutch. second time, stag do. much better this time, many others did the same, but not the same lady of course. i plumped for a really lovely lass dressed as a secretary. turns out shes british, but didn't mind. she kept offering golden shower, i said no, i'll just take your arse thanks love. good job for 50 quid. so yes, i have paid for sex, but don't we pay for sex in one way or another anyway?!
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 13:10, More)
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