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» Stupid Tourists

Demented
I used to work on the beaches in the English Riviera (Torquay) handing out deckchairs and sun loungers to people.

One woman came up and silently pointed to the stack of sun loungers. Realising she was a tourist and didn't speak a word of English I did the lamest attempt at communicating in a slowed-down, almost gurning pronounciation of 'one.... sun... lounger?', she nodded and again I replied, 'one..... pound... fifty.... please.' She paid, turned to me, and in a very broad cockney accent said 'Shall I just take one off the top mate?'

She walked away saying to her friend, 'It's lovely when they employ "special" people.'
(Mon 11th Jul 2005, 12:25, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

DOH!
I should have guessed it was going downhill when my long-distance girlfriend said to me, 'I think you should date other people.', 'Don't be silly', I replied, 'You are the only one I want, but it's nice to know you would be so cool about that!'. Turns out 'I think you should date other people.' meant she was shagging some French bloke at Uni. Bitch. Can't look at Camembert without crying.
(Wed 27th Jul 2005, 12:05, More)

» Office Christmas Parties

Not at all scrooge-like!
Actually my new company (been here a month) throws probably the best christmas parties ever!

There were around 180 of us all taken out to the home of the boss, big country home etc. He had a big top style circus tent in the garden. Chris Barrie was the host, there were lots of circus style acts, trapeze, tight-rope walking, juggling etc. After dinner was the live music, first on was Girls Aloud, next was Rachel Stevens and lastly the Sugarbabes! I couldn't believe it!

I love working for a company that looks after its employees! And we made the local press as well...

:D
(Tue 21st Dec 2004, 10:11, More)

» Near Death Experiences

Crackers
I was not the subject of a near death experience but the instigator!

I was in London with a university friend, happily munching away on a bag of prawn crackers. I had my head down looking at what I was eating and simply followed my mate wherever he walked. Next thing I knew he had stopped walking, I had walked into the back of him, crushed my bag of prawn crackers, and looked up to see him knocked into the path of a fast moving motorcycle. He could feel the wing mirror brush past him at about 60mph. And what was the only thing I could say? 'Oi you idiot, you broke my prawn crackers!'
(Fri 26th Nov 2004, 10:31, More)

» Useless Information

It is a well know fact....
.... that carnies have small hands and smell like cabbage. This rule can be applied not merely to carnival folk but also to travellers and gypsies in general.

...also....

It is a little known fact that Jeremy Beadle does NOT in fact have one hand smaller than the other, it is the effect of perspective when he stands at an angle. Both hands are full-sized, not fun-sized.
(Wed 23rd Mar 2005, 17:37, More)
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