» Essential Items

Every where i go...
I carry my penis.

One day it will come in usefull.
(Tue 1st Nov 2005, 12:36, More)

» The Police

Is your copper house trained?
This is probably one of the few stories here that don't involve drugs or copious amounts of alcohol, but it still amuses me.

I was on the National Express coach on the M25 going back to my London Uni. On the side of the road were around 15 to 25 police cars just sat on the hard shoulder, lights off. I figured that they must have been on some sort of training exercise or something.

Midway through this thought and 100 yards down the road we passed under a motorway bridge and there, in what must have been an entire police force, stood 50 or so police men lined up, in florescent jackets, all peeing in unison against the side of the bridge.

I so wish i had my camera handy that day, I’m sure I could have sold the photo to the Sun for £150 or back to the police for £500.

You wouldn't think the police would need to train a whole force in the art of ‘Urinating in Public’ but then what do I know.
(Thu 22nd Sep 2005, 16:00, More)

» I just don't get it

Guide Dogs
You know the sign you frequently find on shop doors 'No Dogs except Guide Dogs'

Well who is it for? Cause the blind person cant read it and neither can their dog.

Why not have a sign stating 'No Dogs' and the blind can do as they please.
(Mon 4th Apr 2005, 12:56, More)

» Essential Items

In my pocket i have....
A fortune cookie... well not an actual fortune cookie, because by now I would be carrying around crumbs in my pocket. Which, by the way, is almost as bad a crumbs in you bed!

What I actually have is the fortune from a fortune cookie. It reads 'THE SOCIAL SCENE CAN BE FUN TODAY'

I keep this as a memento of a day that was fun ... socially. I was on a work trip to a exhibition / conference in LA. On the last night a number of colleges (and competitors) arranged dinner at PF Chang's and it was a fairly dull affair.

Anyway on receiving my fortunate fortune I got it into my head that I was going to get as much fun out of the bores as possible, it was my destiny. So with that and a tray full of tequila i started the proceedings.

Leaving out most of the haziness, a co-worker ended up breaking his own finger for a dare, a guy from disliked competing firm broke down and confessed to everyone he was gay but could never tell anyone. One guy’s room at the hotel hosed 9 people and six buckets of sick. And I ended up sleeping with not one but two Mexican beauties. How’s that for a fortune!


So I carry this fortune always, as a two-fold reminder.

1)
Sometimes all you need to have fun is a little persuasion. Destiny will never fail you.

and

2)
When work gets you down, your co-workers are just as corruptible as everybody else.
(Tue 1st Nov 2005, 12:34, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Amusing things with toilets #1
In my less mature days in Uni halls I asked a foreign student if I could use his toilet. He didn’t have a problem with this, but that’s because he didn't know what I was going to use it for...

I proceeded to empty a whole box (24) WheatABix in to the bowl. And then fled the scene.

I'm sure you all know what 1 wheatabix does to a bowl of milk! 24 pretty much clogs a ubend permanently. To this day I’m still not sure if he knew it was wheatabix or if his language skills were up to explaining this occurrence to the caretaker.

For those slightly more evil than me (only slightly) you can try the same trick with cement powder!
(Mon 9th May 2005, 14:50, More)