b3ta.com user Monkeyofspong
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» Other people's diaries

Not exactly a diary
But other peoples most private conversations.

I currently work in a pub where we have walkie talkies to buzz barstaff when food is ready(I'm a kitchen monkey). Just up the road is a "health retreat" run by some fairly odd people. Often they somehow end up on our channel as they keep rotating theres for some unknown reason. We often hear the receptionist flirting with the grounds keeper and other innocent things. Nothing really bad but annoying for waitresses when they're trying to serve food and someone is hitting on the customer from their pockets.

One evening my boss was doing the rota or something in the office and had a walkie talkie on her in case she was needed. One of the womens voices comes on with something like "...Dave... you there... I've run a bath I was wondering if you'd like to join me..."
The conversation progresses further but my boss refrained from giving me details. At first she was in a state of shock at what she was hearing but then she got some balls and picked up the walkie talkie and said "Alright if I join you?"
The Health center stay off our channel now.

Sorry for length for such a little story but my mental image of their faces takes me to my happy place
(Thu 1st Feb 2007, 22:07, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

The mrs
Once ran over her childhood hamster with a remote control car. This caused a mild case of death.

She claims it was an accident.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 15:29, More)

» Personal Ads

not exactly a personal add but along the same vein and worth a share
A couple of friends of mine whilst under the influence of substances decided to make up a Myspace profile for known tearful British sports heroine Ellen Macarthur. As she spends a lot of time crying alone into a little camera they deduced she could only be a massive emo.Thus they made a profile befitting such a character listing as many ridiculous emo bands as they could think of as her favourite music. To be honest it wasn't all that funny, only producing a few titters from all those around. That was until the lesbians...

Within a couple of days this obviously fake profile was flooded with lesbians flirting with 'ellen' and telling her what an inspiration she is.Most of them were pretty unreal in that ridiculous manly way you get with some lesbians. (also they were all huge sandra bullock fans).

The profile got about 5 personal messages a day along these lines and picked up a couple of "myspace stalkers".

Despite the fact that under general interests it said "sitting in my boat and crying".
I will try and find the url and link it as i think its still going after 2 years.
(Sun 16th Sep 2007, 17:13, More)

» Old stuff I still know

I can still read a map, which increasingly these days seems a rare skill. I say this because in my work I regularly come across professionals who are required to do so daily and yet seem completely incapable and with our satnav reliant society people seem to be less and less aware of how to properly use a map.

Ok I'm going to go off on one a bit here but what the hell, it seems this weeks question is more a compilation of cheats for old games anyway, what's one more guy nerding out gonna do?

Maps are bloody fantastic things. With a compilation of different data, overlays etc. you can learn everything you ever need to know about a place. As an undergraduate geologist I spent hours pouring over them every single week working out exactly what features I could follow in the field. As a boy scout I carried one with me as I led troops of kids not much younger than myself on epic hikes (or at least they seemed so at the time). I've traveled all over the place using road maps to work out the best routes and sensible diversion (a definite one up on on satnavs) and as I sit at my desk (not working but boring you lot) I have 2 seperate mapping programns open which tell me all kinds of information about land uses, legal notices, development projects and floodplains. I don't even live in this area and most of these places I haven't been to, but if you told me you lived there I'd probably be able to work out exactly what your street looks like in a number of seconds. With next to no effort at all. It's really not that difficult. You can teach kids to do it at school and make it fun and it's not a bad skill to have.

And yet yesterday while walking my Dogs I saw a man driving along an old (heavily) rutted farm track in a vauxhall zafira with 3 children in the back. He had already pulled off a significant amount of body work from his car and as he passed about 100m up the track from me he threw his expensive* TomTom satnav out the window.
Like I say, probably should have looked at a map.

*might have been free, they do seem to give this shite away.
(Mon 4th Jul 2011, 16:59, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Friend of the family...
Got up one morning to find someone had had a bit of a go at the front of his van with an axe. Huge gashes in the bonnet etc.

Turned out two guys had fallen out at the pub the night before and one had gone out with an axe to fuck the guys vehicle up. being drunk he didnt bother to walk all the way to the guys house and just stuck the axe in the nearest automobile of the same colour.

I did not personally witness this but the friends son did with his friends from the window of the front room where they were having a sleepover.

Being about 8 they didnt take it too well and I think one of them may have had councilling.

Still, heres a woo for inept lashing out
(Tue 19th Feb 2008, 17:44, More)
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