» Pretentious bollocks

whump!
had the misfortune to agree to chum art college mate to an existensialist (so pretentious i cant spell it)music concrete(?)show. started off a bloke writhing about the stage screaming into a microphone with someone smashing bottles on the floor. followed by man forcing microphone down throat til he vomited. nothing quite like the stereo noise of vomit.... but the finale was a strange musicy thingy box that was supposed to play very important artsy noises. the stupid bugger had obviously wired it up a bit wrong. When he turned it on it made a loud screech bang and what can only be described as a sonic WHUMP noise that travelled through everyone who was watching's body. thought i had shat myself it was such a strange noise... Not half as funny as the guy on the stage who had badly electrocuted himself.Best bit of the show and worth the £4.50 entrance fee

(its ok- he is still alive and most likely gigging at wanky art-schools up and down the country, you lucky things)
(Wed 28th Sep 2005, 16:04, More)

» Crappy Prizes

Best Helmet
I spent 3 days at primary school making and decorating a papermache fireman's hat. it was painted red and even the badge was quite authentic (well i was 8 and i thought it looked shit-hot)
well i won first prize which was a gold star sticker and a certificate declaring i won competition for having "the shiniest reddest helmet"

i was an 8 year old girl! the sheer filthiness escpaed my tendor brain, but years late i still have the certificate displayed proudly in my house. its the prize that keeps on giving...
(Thu 11th Aug 2005, 9:27, More)

» Scary Neighbours

CO-OP man
oh jesus- this is like therapy... I moved into my quiet street about 4 years gao now. mte my neighbour (share a little balcony with him) and he shook my hand wandreed into MY house sat down and told me all about his drug-dealing habits (only on a thursday i sell the weed, its run like a CO-operative-wtf?) well that was a lie. Que 24/7 of bob marley and dr hook. a stabbing on my doorstep, explaining what the funny smell coming through the walls was, when my local frindly dealer dried out the gear in his cooker,Police accidentally doing a drugs bust on my flat by accident and catching me mid-shit on the toilet and the 2 rabid dogs the neighbour owned that would often deposit dead cats on my door step and rape my mums leg when she came to visit- you dont say NO to a pittbull. Then of course came the night of crashing and banging on my door with neighbour screaming for help. I answered, he says "can i borrow some tippex" i lend him some then crawl off to bed as it is 4 in the morning. 2 hours later banging and yelling again. what does he want now...."sorry doll, i meant to borrow a tin opener"
glad the bellend had to move after some lovely italian mates decided to inform him that his bob marley was no longer needed in the street (now have an old lady staying next door who pisses on the steps regularaly and throws rocks at squirrels- i like her!
(Tue 30th Aug 2005, 11:42, More)

» Crappy Prizes

Orville
at the grand old age of 6 our primary school had a raffle. I won first prize! which was an Orville doll. I was over the moon about this- i loved that green duck...but was informred that some special needs kid had broken their arm, so it would be better if they got the duck, but i wasnt to worry as i would get a booby prize.

a packet of 5p pickled onion crisps.brilliant.

I still get reduced to tears about the sham of that prize draw every time i see keith and orville on tv......
(Thu 4th Aug 2005, 14:13, More)

» Phobias

achilles tendon
the thought of anything other than sock or shoes touching the skinny back bit of the ankle makes me dry boke.


even worse is when they have injuries to the tendon in horror films....


*shudder*
(Fri 11th Apr 2008, 20:17, More)