b3ta.com user deljani
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» Airport Stories

German metal detectors
Last year I was at an airport in Berlin, and had made it as far as the very last security check before boarding my flight home. The queue wasn't going anywhere, so my pissed-off sense tingled and I realised something was wrong. Looking ahead it became clear that the metal detector was bollocked, and in its place was a hulk of a man with a handheld scanner thing. Now I'm a tolerant fellow but not even I fancied being felt up by big Jurgen. Anyway, it was now my turn so I took my shoes off and let his bear paws pat me down... I shat a brick when the scanner moved over my crotch and squeaked like an epileptic mouse. Images of surgical gloves and a smirking Jurgen filled my mind, but that was interrupted by a deep voice saying...
"Sorry, I can't control her, she's like this with all the boys!"
Jurgen you leg-end, next time I'm in Berlin I'll treat you to some frothy lager and a curry wurst.
(Sat 4th Mar 2006, 18:52, More)

» Teenage Parties

A bit different...
My party piece is to turn water into funk.
(Sat 15th Apr 2006, 2:36, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

I was wearing
brown trainers with visibly fluorescent-orange soles when I met the Queen in Berlin. I shook her tiny gloved hand but can't remember what I said to her. What I do remember is shaking the Dukey Ed's hand... which was fucking huge, but not as intimidating as Gerhard Schröder's bear-like grip. Big Phil then made a fairly dodgy comment about my heritage (Northern Irish), I burst out laughing and so did he. No sooner had I shook the limp hand of Jack Straw than the reporters from the tabloids pounced on me and asked what Phil had said. I told the truth. Then spent the rest of the day worrying that M15 or some equally lethal spooks would track me down and 'make it look like an accident'. But they didn't. I flew home the next day and have lived happily ever after.

Why was I there? A conference on climate change. To be honest the only good thing about it was a sexy girl from Devon. Oh and it was my 18th birthday. Nowadays, an eonic 2 years later, my memory is jogged only by hearing Buck Rogers.

We'll start over again
Grow ourselves new skin
Get a house in Devon
Drink cider from a lemon, lemon, lemon, lemon...
(Thu 3rd Aug 2006, 15:35, More)