b3ta.com user schnuff
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» Terrible Parenting

The best intentions
My older brother, aged ten, fell and scraped his knee. With mother our, it was up to my dad to tend to this mishap. In a stupendous display of backwards logic, my father surmised that if Dettol can clean both wounds and toilets, surely toilet cleaner (containing bleach) must be able to clean both toilets and wounds. It took my brother several minutes to convince him that it was NOT a good idea to apply toilet duck to his injury.
(Fri 17th Aug 2007, 6:13, More)

» Running away

She's leaving...
At the tender age of three, I dramatically declared to my mother that I was "leaving forever". Rather than weep inconsolably and beg me to stay as I was expecting, she found me a little stick and a handkerchief to tie up my precious belongings in true hobo fashion, helped me to pack (one stuffed rabbit, one pack of sweets) and waved me goodbye at the door. Having been left (quite cheerfully by ma) to fend for myself, it was then that I realized that I was totally dependent on my parents, and that I needed them somewhat more than they needed me. I pouted for about a minute and a half and then rang the doorbell to be let back in.

My first, and last escape attempt.
(Fri 11th Aug 2006, 13:04, More)

» Fancy Dress

Magnum P.I
Last year, having been given exceedingly short notice, I had no choice but to go as Tom Selleck. Bearing in mind I am a girl, going to a club on a Rock night, I look slightly out of place in my red hawaiian shirt, generous 'tache, stubble and T-shirt with a picture of Tom Selleck on it amongst the girls who had almost without exception gone as 'sexy goth vampire sluts'. I wonder if Selleck ever wears a picture of himself on his shirt. I hope so.
(Mon 16th Jan 2006, 13:23, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

A menace to guppy kind
When I was about nine years old, after badgering my parents endlessly for a pet of some sort, I was finally allowed a little bowl filled with guppies. A bowl! Guppies! In my own room! I was, of course, extremely grown up, and fed them, changed their water and decorated their bowl with gusto.

One day, after adding a few extra features, pebbles and the like, I noticed that one of the fish was missing. It wasn't hiding in the pondweed. It wasn't behind a rock. I checked all around and it certainly hadn't jumped out of the bowl.

A mystery. I put it from my mind and turned my attention to the remaining fish.

That is until two weeks later, when I went to clean out the bowl. I overturned a large, brand-new shell that I'd put in there as a gift from the seaside, and up floated the rigid, staring corpse of the missing guppy. When I dropped the shell into the bowl, I'd trapped it in the hollow, leaving it to die, trapped in its watery grave.

Did it die of starvation or drowning? I'll never know. What I do know, however, is that my scream echoed throughout the house. And I don't keep fish anymore.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 15:44, More)

» Take my Mother-in-law...

Not mine...
A friend's soon-to-be mother in law came out with this upon learning that he was half jewish;

"You killed baby Jesus"

Not much else to say, really.
(Sat 10th Sep 2005, 18:39, More)
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