b3ta.com user tavish
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» Family Holidays

Scalded in Blackpool
When i was about 10.my family went for a no holds barred sunshine break to Blackpool.one weeks worth..my family consisted of my mum.my stepfather(we never got on) me and brother who was a toddler..we used to stay in bispham and cos my stepdad was a keen runner.we walked everywhere..all the way down to south pier and back everyday..youch the memories,blisters on me blisters..anyway half way through the week,we went down on the beach near bispham(similar terrain to beirut)the tide had just gone out leaving behind a soggy mush of sand..my mum was sat right up on the steps with my little bro...my stepfather had just purchased two solid plastic, tennis type bats,complete with a spongey ball..i had my favourite white t shirt on(thought i was the biz wearing it)after a few go's the spongey ball landed in a vat of sandy mush,needless to say my stepfather thwacked the ball in my direction,with the power of pete silverback sampras..Kersplatt he scored a direct hit ,in the area of my solar plexis...this got my back up big style..my brill white t covered in what resembled golden retriever diaorhia...just by my feet was a quagmire of a puddle..i rammmed the sponge ball deep down in its splodginess....my step dad had a worried look on his face..he shouted "DONT YOU DARE"...i then cocked my arm..and BAM the ball was gone..in his direction...to my horror..i scored a direct hit to..right between the eyes of my spectacle wearing stepdad....RIGHT THATS IT he belmed...i set off running for my life..got about 30 metres..then i felt a wrenching of my arm...nooooo he got me..now what....i could see my mum up on steps ..she was waving and smiling(must of thought we were playing a game)...she was right..the game was swinging me in a circle,till my stomach connected with his fist ,for about what felt like 15 mins...mmmm. family hols eh...who fecking needs em...ps..we used to go to blackpool and then scarborough alternate years..till i left home when i was 16..since then they been abroad every year...i will never forget that ball ..and his sand splattered face
(Fri 3rd Aug 2007, 2:24, More)

» * PFFT *

more reasons to shop at morrisons
i was working in morrisons car park at Scarborough depot..me and my mate were renewing the white lines etc,on nights.was a tough old night,plenty to do..anyway we finished about 5am..i took the meter wheel to measure everything we'd done up..i left my mate sat in wagon by the main entrance..by the time i had got to the garage area,my guts were bubbling like a geezer..all of a sudden ,i was stood buttocks clenched..rooted to the spot..i spent 5 mins waving frantically..eventually screaming across the car park for my mate to bring wagon..i could see him sat in wagon ramming pork pies in his mouth..he didnt flinch..by this time ,tears were streaming down my face..with the immense pain i was in..i managed to shuffle to where they fill the fuel tanks..
then it came..noooooooooooo...my pants came down in about 0.35 seconds..so here i am ..squatting on top of a fuel grate..about midthrust it hit home..i had no toilet roll..out of the corner of my eye,i noticed some large headlights coming into the car park...hells teeth..it was a morrisons petrol tanker..in a millisecond i whipped my calvins off..cream variety..having to use them to mop my rear end clean..they were slung under a nearby bush..i sprinted back to wagon to bollock my mate..who happened to be listening to thrash metal at full volume...i wheelspun our wagon out the carpark..passing the garage..the petrol guy was just stepping out of his wagon..poor fella..little did he know what delight was waiting for him..a chefs special
(Sun 15th Jul 2007, 14:06, More)

» Secret Santa

christmas bliss
a few years ago..at work we got the choice of a chicken /turkey/beef/pork meat,aswell as a nice bottle,i went with the chicken and a bottle of finest whiskey..while the firm had all the lads in the yard..bagging up rubbish etc..the gaffers were in the office putting everyones carrier bags with there choice of meat and bottle..when the time came all the lads went in..i grabbed my bag and headed out the office door..on stepping out my bag decided to rid itself of the weight bearing load...needless to say ,my chicken rolled down the yard..and my prized bottle of whiskey,commited suicide on the stone step outside...bah humbug
(Sat 23rd Dec 2006, 14:45, More)