b3ta.com user Nyphur
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» My computer gave away my secrets

Not been my undoing, but once whilst ridding a mates pc of spyware i decided that installing AdAware would be a good start, so went to google and pressed "L" to search for the Lavasoft homepage which brought up the drop down box containing the search string:

"Lesbians licking each other out, no questions asked"

I don't know why i find it so funny, spose its the "no questions asked" disclaimer on the end.
(Fri 10th Feb 2006, 19:23, More)

» School fights

Comedy Classic
Some break times me and my group of mates used to form a large circle, facing inwards and start chanting the world standard "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!", which obviously attracts the attention of anyone near by, and causes them to come running to watch.
Except when they got there, there was never a fight, just another one of my mates doing "the robot" in the middle of the circle.

Made us laugh anyway
(Sat 11th Mar 2006, 0:32, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Cooking mishaps
When my parents went on holiday, i was left to cook for myself (i was old enough to know how to cook, 14 or so - but never really had as my mum had fulfilled her task properly).
I was given strict instructions that if i was to use the toaster, i had to pull it away from its "resting place" flat against the wall. I was given no reasoning, just told i had to. Anyway, i wake at the crack of noon and think some toast is in order. In goes the bread, and i go up for a slash while i'm waiting. Come down the stairs to find foul tasting and smelling smoke filling the living room and kitchen. The thermostat on the wall had melted due to my lack of following instructions. As a result, molten plastic had also dripped into the toaster, rendering my delicious meal inedible.
Bollocks i think, and set about opening all the windows in the kitchen and living room to get rid of the smoke, whilst covering my mouth with my sleeve (foolproof smoke filter).
Still hungry, i decide to use to oven to grill myself some toast up. This time i recalled the instructions "if you use the oven, make sure you take all the other trays and pans out first (for some reason my mother keeps all that shit in the oven when its not used, because our kitchen is tiny). So i set about taking all the pans out, banged the grill on and went upstairs to open the bedroom windows too. Come down about 2 minutes later and think "fuck me, the smell and smoke isnt going!". Walk into the kitchen and open the grill for my delicious toast. I had left a plastic egg poacher in the oven, which was now melted to the bottom of the oven; once again acrid smoke filled the house, and the jumper had to be employed to filter out the harmful toxins.

Had cereal in the end.
(Sun 7th May 2006, 17:24, More)

» Injured Siblings

An odd tale
This takes me back a few years.

Basically, i was 5, and he was a year older.
We were playing on those old fashioned wooden horses in the garden.
He was the highly succesful black team, i was the modest white team, with very few victories under my belt.
BANG BANG! He loosed a salvo of shots
BANG BANG! I came a cropper, and tumbled
BANG BANG! What a racket
The bugger had shot me down.

I have no siblings, so instead attempted to make a comical jest, based on the lyrics to a "popular music" track. However, i have failed. Please further inflate my only child ego by clicking the "i like this" icon...now.
(Mon 22nd Aug 2005, 13:01, More)

» Other people's diaries

Our Mate Andy
Is a bit of a quiet guy, never really says much and it's always an effort to drag him out for a night in town etc.
Never had a real girlfriend either.
He left his phone in my mates car last year, and assumed he'd lost it. So we did what any good friend's would do and read his txt messages when he had gone home.
Nothing in the in-box, hmmmm fishy.
Sent messages?
Countless messages to "ozzy"....

What you doing this weekend?
COol, you could come and visit
Dunno, what do you want to do?
Whatever you fancy ;)
That sounds great :D

We're very confused, having no idea who this mystery boy/girl is...

We could just watch a film, or maybe more.... ;)
Yeah we could do that, you dirty thing...

By now we're convinced he's got himself some little mistress that he doesn't want to tell us about, so we read on a few more in confusion until we find...

I want your big cock in my arse!

We didnt read any more, and haven't mentionned it since. As of yet, Ozzy is yet to appear - to our knowledge
(Thu 1st Feb 2007, 15:28, More)
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