» Cross Dressing

Jolly Hockey Sticks
Not really my game, but got roped into playing hockey for the office team a couple of years back...apparently they were short a goalie.

Being a cricketing type in the summer, i know the damage a hard ball can do to two softer ones, so i made sure to dig out my box (cup for you merkins) to protect the existence of future progeny. This obviously required a jockstrap as well, but it became clear that mine had not been washed since the end of the cricket season 6 months ago. I may have put my cods in something smelling worse in my time, but not whilst sober, so i had to seek an alternative.

Now i am of the boxer wearing persuasion, as briefs are for woofters and Y fronts are for fat dads, so i had nothing to hold the boys in place. In a flash of inspiration i thought i'd check out the undie drawer of the gf at the time. I believe girls often refer to these as "period pants" - sturdy, unfashionable, but there to do a job. Ideal for me - a bit tight, but kept everything in order, and under trackie bums, who would ever know. Splendid. Job Done.

Alas, as i say, hockey is not my game, and hampered by the huge amount of padding i was forced to wear, i was about as manouverable as Thora Hird. First bit of action, i trip over my own leg, stumble, and land flat on my back on top of the ball. Absolute agony.

Yes, you've guessed it. Hospital. Suspected coccix damage. X-Ray. Remove trousers. Ha ha, you're not going to believe this but...

Clearly i had girls pants on. Obviously my workmates present had the good grace to treat me sympathetically and not tell other colleagues etc*

*May not be true

Length? It was a big box. More of a crate really.
(Fri 16th Mar 2007, 12:18, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

A selection
There were so many:

Kid at infants with rotten teeth was known as Marsy Bars
Had a kid with one arm who was known as Ren & Stumpy
A Jehovah's witness kid we used to call Santa and ask him what he wanted for Christmas
Lad at school was called Beany after what emerged on his winky after playing pooper games with a girl of questionable upbringing.

I heard tell of a girl at school being called Skippy after leaving a splodgy mess of chewed Skips (they're floaty light!) on someone's old chap following fellatio whilst wearing a brace - i have subsequently found out that this was my big sister.

And i was known as Thrush by the girls at school for a couple of years before anyone explained it to me - apparently i was an irritating c**t.

I'm proud of my length and wear my 25m badge on the front of my speedos
(Fri 19th May 2006, 10:56, More)

» Picky Eaters

Legless/flibbley
Yes it was W C Fields. After that i only now drink it as a mixer. Whisky kills off the whale jizz (I know it's not a fish, but one hell of a load)

Back on topic an old friend of mine thought he was terribly posh and would only eat meat 'if it had been shot'. My old man used to work in an abbatoir and i told him that all the meat in the shops has been shot, bar the Chicken/Duck etc, so he should stop being such a twat.

And he ate Chicken anyway.

Cnut
(Thu 1st Mar 2007, 15:15, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

A Random one
I have a friend who everyone calls Monty. Couldn't work out why, so i asked a friend who went to school with him.

Turns out back in 6th form a bunch of the lads had just seen Withnail & I for the first time and were very amused by the antics of Uncle Monty. So much so they decided that somebody MUST have this as a nickname. It was decided that the next person through the door of the common room would have this honour bestowed upon them. Poor boy.

He's now 28. I've known him for 5 years and only just found out his real name...
(Fri 19th May 2006, 11:02, More)