b3ta.com user noir
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I make computer games in the marvellous cosmopolitan city of Brighton! Woo and indeed, yay!

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» Heckles

Teh Mighty Boosh
Noel Fielding is in character as The Hitcher, and (slightly) mucks up one of his lines.

A witless heckler cries out "you've forgotten your lines!".

Noel's response? "Don't make me come down there and rape your eyes, boy. I'll fuck your pupils and destroy your vision with one almighty thrust!"

The man's a genius.
(Tue 11th Apr 2006, 16:44, More)

» I just don't get it

Other People!
Things that continue to befuddle me:

- People who say "crutch" instead of "crotch". A crutch goes under your arm. The same can only be said of a crotch if you're into bag-piping.

- People who overtake aggressively (esp on 30mph roads). Don't they see me right behind them again at the next roundabout/ crossing/ traffic light? Congratulations, twunt; you got home one car-length quicker...

- People who hate students, and complain about how much they "cost" the country: they'll be grateful next time they need a doctor/ solicitor/ scientist/ engineer / accountant/ airline pilot/ medicine/ DVD/ computer/ linguist/ hearing-aid/ teacher/ dentist/ games-console/ stem-cell research/ suspension bridge/ geologist/ car/ satellite/ weather forecast... etc. And yes, students do drink. Lots. And these people are just jealous.

{stands down from soapbox, and goes to sit in the dark - Apologies for length, width and girth. I'm a b3ta virgin, go easy on me!}
(Fri 1st Apr 2005, 11:38, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

Unlawful Odour
I thought scientific knowledge *was* thousands of years of learning...
(Fri 21st Apr 2006, 16:02, More)

» Crappy Prizes

School Trips
Teachers can be so cruel:

When I was an impressionable young lad of about 10, we went on a week-long school trip to the Peak District. Lots of fresh air and exercise(TM) and visits to things of historical interest.

On the last evening before going home, we had a small party in the youth hostel where we were staying - the main event being an award ceremony based on the activities over the course of the week. In a suitably happy-clappy way, the teachers had attempted to concoct an award for *every* pupil, so there were no losers.

My best friend won "Biggest Chatterbox", and uttered the immortal line "I'm speechless.. For once!". The atmosphere was convivial, and he even got a enthusiastic response to his weak gag.

And me? I got the "I Can Read Anywhere" award, accompanied by a photo of myself reading a book half-way up a hill when we stopped for a lunch break one day. Cue an uncomfortable silence as I walked to the front to collect my award, and complete alienation from my peers for getting such a "bod" (read: nerdy) award.

On another trip a few years later, in a hurry to get ready to leave the hotel one day (we were in Austria at the time), I accidentally posted a postcard without an address written on it. The postman kindly returned the postcard to the hotel, and one of the teachers quickly deduced by process of elimination that it belonged to me.

My "prize"? THE WALLY HAT, which I was to wear indefinitely, until another wally was appointed. If I removed the hat, I would have to pay undisclosed forfeits. Cue the other kids on the trip regularly grabbing the hat from my head and hiding it to get me into trouble, and me retiring to my (shared) room in tears, sans hat.

Fortunately, I grew up into a fine, well-adjusted young man. :)
(Tue 9th Aug 2005, 15:19, More)

» Stupid Tourists

An Englishman defending Merkins!
It is often quoted that only 10-20% of Merkins hold passports, but if you think about it, to actually get out of the US is just as expensive as it is for us to go over there. In other words, they don't have Spain and France on their doorstep and certainly couldn't get £30 flights. I know many intelligent, well-travelled Merkins who take great pleasure in being able to use both the metric system and words like "snazzy".

That said...

I had the great pleasure of sharing a table in a restaurant with a Merkin who ordered the palace. (He meant plaice). Full marks to the other Merkin sitting with us, however, who commented "I think that may be a little on the *large* side".

I was also somewhat mystified when a Merkin colleague remarked with a sneer that "Britain is full of Indians". I retorted that Illinois (where he lived) seemed to be full of Mexicans. He seemed genuinely hurt, and didn't appreciate my ironic sentiment at all.

My girlfriend has the best story, though. When visiting one of the southern states on holiday with her Dad, a local asked whether we had cars in England. They honestly thought we used horse-and-carriage to get around.

I can sympathise with the mispronounced place names, but some things just amount to *common sense*, surely?
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 10:21, More)
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