» Bad Smells

Safe sex
"Come on in and smell this", he said.

I was reluctant at first. I barely new him. I was at work. This was an important customer. Should we be this friendly after only a few meetings?

He beckoned me into his 'office'. A small dark non-rectangular room with discarded office furniture reclaimed as the occupier's own. This man. This hippy. This weirdo. He had hung posters on the wall of bands I'd never heard of. There were ancient sequential copies of PCW magazine on a heaving shelf. He'd positioned a growing collection of disfigured action figures around the room.

In the corner sat an old but serviceable safe. The type you see in black and white crime caper films.

"Come here", he said grinning, "Put your head in there and smell it".

The heavy door was persuaded open.

I leant in. I smelled. I grimaced.

"Smells like cum doesn't it?" he queried.

"Yes", I replied with a frown.
(Tue 21st Jan 2014, 13:49, More)

» Claims to Fame

Time Team genitalia
I stood next to Tony Robinson in the toilets at an MTV party held at the old station building next to Temple Meads in Bristol back in the 90's. I remeber taking a really good look at his cock.

He noticed, nodded, did his shakes and walked off.

I wasn't perving or anything just never seen a celebrity's wreckage before.
(Thu 24th Feb 2005, 14:47, More)

» Grandparents

Narky trumpy Gramps
I lived with my dad's parents for a few months when I was in my late teens. Their house always smelt like a wet nappy full of sprouts. My Grampy was always in mood and would mostly sit at a table by the living room window filling in his pools coupon.

Once, my Nan asked him if he would put the bin out. Bearing in mind she hadn't asked him before, he replied like a lion ripping the flesh out of a downed antelope, savouring the first word of his outburst with rancid bile, "Al-right, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright Love. Don't go on."

I found his hypocrisy mildly amusing.

Also when he walked upstairs, he'd audibly fart on every step.

And he used to drink the water from boiled cabbage. Which probably explains the farting.

He also had a lump on his head and when asked what it was, he said it was where a giraffe bit him.

Oh, and my Nan used to make brawn.
(Fri 3rd Jun 2011, 11:24, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

Flash
Flash, was a railway carriage cleaner who wasn't particularly fast or bright, hence the nickname.

Example: he told us about a fun night he spent at the Europa cinema (private xxx film club in Bristol, very seedy, now closed). He sat next to a galant gentleman who in between tugging his cock, introduced himself and invited Flash back to his for 'coffee'. When asked how he got on, Flash replied, "e fucked I, an it 'urt".
(Mon 22nd May 2006, 14:09, More)

» I just don't get it

Voting in TV programs
Arse off you money-grabbing telly whores.

Every program on TV today has some forking vote thingy. "Send us your vote if you thing rapists should be jailed or not. Texts cost 8 quid." Um...let me ponder that one.

I guarantee the only program with no voting in it in in the near future will be the general election coverage.
(Thu 31st Mar 2005, 13:37, More)