» Well, that taught 'em

That'll teach you not to ask
I had an extremely annoying work colleague whose husband was such a tight-wad that he kept their car in a garage & made them both use public transport everywhere (maybe I've got him wrong - it was a skoda so maybe he just didn't want to be seen in public in the daylight in it???). Anyway, she lived fairly near me & once I'd passed my driving test, she suddenly became really matey.

But, and this is what annoyed me, instead of asking whether I would mind giving her a lift home (I was heading that way after all), she would hang around, making mindless small talk, telling me she might have missed her bus etc until I had no option but to offer her a lift. I honestly wouldn't have minded ever giving her a lift if she had actually asked me outright, but it was all the emotional-blackmail-pussy-footing about that pissed me off.

At that time I was driving a mark IV cortina (my first car!!!) which had a dodgy gear stick - if you pulled too hard whilst depressing the clutch it would come out in your hand - ooh err. As long as you held the clutch down it was a piece of piss to put back in (even for a a girly).

Anyway, one night I'd had enough of her drivel, changed gear and .... oh dear me, look what's happened .... I'm waving the gear stick wildly under her nose! I thought she was gonna jump out of the car there & then on the dual carriageway.

Oh I did laugh! Oh she didn't! Guess who always had peace and quiet on their drive home ever after that (and it wasn't the bus driver - ha ha)?
(Mon 30th Apr 2007, 16:23, More)

» Failed

Completely failing to pull
Completely failed at pulling a bloke I'd fancied for ages when I finally got an opportunity!
My 18th birthday, out on the lash in Stockton (big up the downstairs of the Talbot - ah, memories!!). Half the pubs had some kind of power cut so not much draught beer/lager available - so we went on the barley wine as our aperitif. After consuming many many barley wines amongst other drinks in several pubs we ended up on 'The Boat' floating nightclub (I led a classy social life then!). I met a guy I'd fancied for ages but hadn't stood a chance with in the past … and he was talking to me … bliss, happy f'ing birthday, Norma!! However, the slight movement of the boat combined with mixing my drinks (well, I was young & stupid(er) in those days) meant an upward shift in my liquid consumption. I was homing in for a kiss when …. oh dear. I chucked up the lot - down his front. Not the most compelling or attractive way to pull! His shirt, jeans & shoes were covered, and there was even some floating in his pint glass!

I got me coat!
(Tue 9th Jan 2007, 11:03, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Glasto goats milk
Years ago at a very, very wet Glasto ('85)the only way to cope was to take shitloads of acid. In said state (at least 4 tabs each) me, hubby-to-be & 2 mates were sat in this veggie tea tent chillin' with a cuppa - like ya do!

There was a bunch of wanna-be hippy chicks (straight out of Chelt'nam Ladies) who were partaking of the veggie salad lovingly prepared by the people running the tent. They were awf'ly awf'ly if you know what I mean & kept banging on about who had the 'beccy' (we then sussed it was the Old Holborn they were taking about!). Anyway, one of them realised she had a tin of sardines in her tent which would supplement the salad rather nicely, so off she pops & returns with the sardines - so far so good. However, these rather posh young ladies had obviously never opened a tin of sardines in their lives (the butler did it!) & pulled off the key instead of turning it back - silly cows.
The palava that ensued to try & open the tin was phenomenal! Not one brain cell was in evidence, making a mockery of private education in the process! The four of us sat there completely off our tits fascinatedly watching this scenario unfold before us. By then we were drinking a pint of unpasteurised goats milk bought earlier, passing it between us etc, and rolling & smoking some rather tasty spliffs. Finally they opened the tin & shared out the sardines - phew. One of my mates then commented that our milk tasted funny ... to which, at the top of his voice so the whole tent could hear, my old man replied "Tastes like fucking sardines to me!". To which we just all completely collapsed in identical cackling & howling heaps (maybe you had to be there!!?)
I've never seen anyone finish their food so quick & fuck off before the mad muddy hippies in the corner stopped laughing - ace!!

And the moral of the story - just say yes, kids!

Also - I don't regret it!!
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 16:19, More)

» Public Sex

My favourite public place
is any disabled toilet - there's usually loads of room, and handles both sides so he can sit down first, you can go on top balls deep, hold on & ride him to your little heart's content..... not classy but very, very effective!
(Mon 27th Apr 2009, 22:16, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Not nice but I've been forgiven
Many years ago fooling around naked in bed with the future Mr Stitz, he took the piss out of me for something, can't remember what but it was sufficient to annoy me. So I picked my nose & wiped the bogey on his cock! That shut the fucker up! (I now realise that fellas are actually quite sensitive about such things and it was thrown back in my face on many occasions - the incident that is, not the cock!)
(Sun 15th Mar 2009, 14:48, More)