» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Sheep and Christians
I was brought up in an irish catholic family. When I was about 15, I got caught up with a bunch of born again christians who ran the local youth group. Coincidentally (or not?) this was also the time in my life when I started experimenting with proper drugs.

Me and my friend J decided the perfect time for our first acid trip would be on a religious retreat in the middle of wales with a bunch of religious strangers who didn't know we'd taken anything. We bought our strawberries from the shop in a van on the corner who did a small sideline in acid (24 hours notice required). We took them at 8 o'clock in the morning.

A day of hi-jinks followed. It was lucky we were with a bunch of strangers, as they all assumed we were like that all the time. We had the usual wrong perception and slight hallucinations etc etc (kept thinking my trousers were wet when they weren't and other interesting things) and thought we had been discovered when we were sent out of the room (they were in fact planning a treasure hunt).

Problems occured when it was mine and j's turn to make the tea for 10 people. It was only beans on toast but neither of us could remember what to do and stood murmuring "beans...toast" until someone else came in and said "Come on you two! Open the beans and get the grill on!" at which point we remembered. Phew.

My favourite part was when I was standing looking out of the window at some sheep for several minutes. A sober stranger approached and asked me what I was looking at. "The sheep" I replied. "Do you know how they can stand on those steep slopes?"

"No, do you?" asked the stranger, with genuine interest.

"Yes." I replied. There was then a long pause.

"It's because they're shaped like clouds."

We were never caught.

I am now 29, and atheist and don't do anything stronger than nicotine. I'm still fun though, honest.
(Sun 18th Dec 2005, 22:34, More)

» The passive-aggressive guilt trip

Not that funny though
But true.

When my mother found out i'd been being (sexually) abused for some time:

"I'm going to get cancer and die because of all the worry you put me through. Just watch"*.

Subject closed (she found out through my school- I didn't tell her).We never spoke of it again.

Lest anybody think she was simply reacting in shock- nope. She's like that all the time. About everything. I just thought I'd use this as an extreme example- and one of the ones that sticks in my head.

Me being a sensitive sort of kid took this very seriously.
Fortunately I haven't lived with her for 10 years now...but we get on alright with a bit of distance between us. If she starts up now it just goes right over my head. And when me and my siblings get together we spend hours taking the piss, so hey! It's brought us closer!

Sorry for non funniness.

*it's been 15 years since that statement and none of it has come true.
(Tue 18th Oct 2005, 23:59, More)

» Join us... come join the cult

Rock on, Tommy!
Although I was brought up a catholic (plenty of potential rant/story material there but we won't go into that now) when I was 15 or so I fell in with a bunch of born-again Christians. They seemed OK initially, and I was feeling depressed and vulnerable at the time. They asked me and my mates if we wanted to go and see Cannon and Ball.

It's not something I normally would have said yes to (after all, they're not exactly the two ronnies) but they seemed keen and I thought, hey, it's a free ticket, I might as well go. So we all did.

Instead of the crap jokes we were expecting, we were treated to two hours of cannon and ball talking about how their fame had led them down a road of drink fast cars and women until! They found Jesus, praise the lord. There was much crying singing and handwaving involved.

That was nearly 15 years ago- and they're still doing the same show now (they were on at the Sheffield City Hall towards the end of last year- google Cannon Ball Jesus or similar and you'll find many sites on them)!!

I did convert a while later, and lasted a few months before their attitude towards sex, and specifically towards gayness made me leave. I'm not sorry.

They can be quite impressive with all their fainting and speaking in tongues etc and I was drawn in at the time, but nothing they did was half as impressive as the tricks Derren Brown does.

I am now a fully recovered atheist, but I can still speak in tongues which is an excellent party trick and freaks people out something chronic. Tee hee.

PS Does the SWP count? Spent a few years in that as well :-)
(Mon 30th Jan 2006, 23:17, More)

» Child Labour

YTS Fun
I'd finished my GCSEs and was looking for a way to earn some money before I started my A-Levels. My search for any kind of job proved fruitless- there simply weren't any around.

So me and a couple of my friends decided to enrol on a YTS scheme to get the training allowance (training? hah!) I chose catering, not from a love of cooking or anything, but because my mate was on it.

Unfortunately the day after I enrolled we were put on placement.

I worked 8.30-5.30 Monday to Friday in a crap food outlet in a crap food court in a crap shopping "centre". There was nowhere to sit, and my occupation for the whole of this time was washing tea cups. Boring yes, but also disgusting as our clientele were mainly old ladies and tramps- mountains of sugar dried into the bottom of the cups, lipstick, chewing gum, fag ends....

My wages for doing this (in the early 90s) were: £30 a week. Which equals about 70p an hour.

After a few weeks I talked the YTS woman into letting me on the computing course instead. This involved playing a tetris-like game called "Brix" for seven and a half hours a day for the same money.

Which was pretty good training for the adult world of work as it goes.
(Sat 18th Feb 2006, 17:47, More)