» Posh

Shower Anyone ?
My mate from Beckenham, let call him Brad for the sake of argument and cos its his name, is not posh, not at all, is 6 foot somfink ,looks like an extra from Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and everything he says sounds like a threat. He also has a neck problem in that he has some fused vertibrae which mean he can't turn his head so turns his body..... he also has a liking for Mr J Daniels and has a penchance for stripping to the waist when bevvied up and walking up to strangers in the street, bending down so he is at face height and screaming "I'm a f*cking nutter" at them. Charming I'm sure you'll agree.....anyway, now you have an idea of the character....

Said friend was at a posh party (how he got invited I don't know, probably mistaken identity) and was generally being ignored by everyone because he hired his tux as opposed to had it hand sewn by blind Tibetan monks.... the only attention he seem to be able to attract was from the copius numbers of waiting staff who ensured his glass was never empty...... as the evening progressed he got steadily more unsteady and generally was determined to try and tale a few people out of their comfort zones. Wind on a bit to the small hours of the morning where most people were at "copping off" stage....... he spies a girl who looks very posh (well he said she looked a bit like a horse but the QOTW wasn't about people who looked like a horse so we are assuming here that people at posh party who look a bit horsey are probably posh) and she was clearly waiting for someone to return with a drink or from the bog or somewhere. Anyway, moving swiftly on, he decides to make his play, he swaggers up to her, actually he probably swayed up to her but swagger is a much better word, and decided his best opening chat up line was...."Hello Love, can I P*ss on your T*ts".... the reason why this story is, well to me anyway, so memorable is that she said in a cut glass accent "Yes, if you like".

We'll skip the whole relationship thing until a more relevant QOTW surfaces but as he has only tried said chat up line twice and has pulled once then in the words of Family Fortunes "We asked 100 posh birds if we could p*ss on their t*ts"...then my bet for top answer would be "Yes, if you like" at 50%.
(Fri 16th Sep 2005, 10:19, More)

» Take my Mother-in-law...

Social Workers are Fab
My ex-MIL was a child protection Social Worker, you know, the sort that wander into a perfectly happy household and take all the children away so they can be pimped out to the local paedo ring by care workers. At least that's what I think she did, certainly its what I told my mates. Anyway, being married to her daughter was an experience. MIL seemed to fail to notice that whilst she was out saving children from having parents who didn't have enough O levels her daughter had grown up a complete psychopath. This, naturally, did not manifest until after the marriage (before anyone asks why I bloody married her).

Anyway, fast forward to me explaining that the slight bruise to her daughters wrist was as a result of me holding her arm away from my face.... this arm being attached to a rather nice kitchen knife which was being repeatedly thrust at my head....

And what did she say to that ? "Yes, she has always had issues with communication".

No shit.....
(Thu 8th Sep 2005, 14:24, More)

» Secret Santa

60 Year Old Senior Director
In two parts - Part one a poem

Now you are getting on a bit
The passion's bound to fade
It now will take you many hours
To end up getting laid
Your wife is bored with flacid flesh
And crap old fashioned banter
So take this pill and go right home
And slip her one from Santa

and Part two

A Viagra tablet
(Mon 18th Dec 2006, 14:54, More)

» The Police

My Dear Old Mum
MDOM is a polite, middle class and retired ex-nurse who has never been in a police station in her life. Anyway, to cut a very long and very distressing story short (although much hilarity for other QOTW could come up some other time) she began suffering from hyper-mania and eventually it became too much for the family and she was sectioned under the mental health act.

Being quite a strong willed lady she refused to accept the section and steadfastly insisted on remaining in her arm chair knitting. Well, as two hours of gentle discussions with the social workers wasn't doing any good the private hospital expecting her (on BUPA - nice one BUPA) was getting a little annoyed so the nice social workers decided the only possible solution was to call the boys in Blue to persuade her into their van and take her there. Cue two squad cars and a van screaming up outside the house with sirens blazing and a full compiment of about 8 officers trudging into the kitchen and deciding what they would do. After discussions about her being non-violent and generally very polite one young Constable volunteered to go in and have a word. After taking off his helmet (to appear less threatening) he walked into the lounge to have a chat with mother. He seemed to be getting on quite well and they were having a lovely chat when he decided to pat her arm.....and then screamed

Well, in a flash that little old lady had kicked him at "full spac" strength straight in the privates calling him something that rhymes with twunt and dropping him like a pole-axed rabbit. To their credit the remaining 7 policemen piled into the lounge and politely restrained her with extreme prejudice into the back of their van and nee-naa'd her to the hosiptal.

Bloody funny with hind sight....... even funnier was the fact that they required me to sit in the van between them and her because "She is not likley to want to hurt a family member"........ scared? them? surely not.

Epilogue : Young Constable was fine, apparently the swelling went down eventually and he could still have kids, the charges of assaulting a police officer were dropped as she had already been sectioned and thus had diminished responsibility. Still....raise a glass to mother for being the only one in the family to kick down a copper and get away with it ! Not that I would ever condone that, no sir, fine bunch of people..... mostly
(Thu 22nd Sep 2005, 10:33, More)

» Child Labour

The Youth of Today
Can you imagine what our economy would look like if everybody in the Country who could be bothered to work had the same attitude as people who are posting on this question. We would have dirty streets, trains that don't run on time and politicians who would rather eat poo than run the country....ahh that would explain it then.
(Mon 20th Feb 2006, 15:13, More)