b3ta.com user FiftyFour
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» When I met the parents

She violated me on an oily stage
I used to DJ at a local late-licence pub in town, and it was only the second time I'd met her mother. Her Mum's birthday. It also happened to be Halloween that particular friday night so I'm in drag, Morticia Addams style. The gf had a very `Modern` relationship with her mum and had bought her a vibrator for her birthday, which was in her handbag.

I need to get something out of my bag under the table, and as I'm rummaging around her Mum turns the plastic percy on full blast and rams it a full inch into my arsehole through my tights, pants and miniskirt.

Being a bit surprised by this , I quickly stand up, twat my head on the table (which had the CD players on), the music skips and the entire dancefloor turn towards me to see her Mum holding the vibe in the air in a victory salute, and me rubbing my head and pulling my kecks from deep within me at the same time.

At least she bought me a beer.
(Fri 20th May 2005, 11:22, More)

» Secret Santa

£30 limit at work.

Bought my (female) boss a revealing outfit from Primark and a train ticket to Ipswich

(Sat 16th Dec 2006, 3:29, More)

» Fancy Dress

Xmas Eve 1998
I'm Djing and fancy dress theme is superheroes and supervillains. I call the local fancy dress shop and reserve a Spiderman costume for the big night.

I go and collect it on the day and - it's wank. A pair of pyjamas with the logo and web drawn on in marker pen, and one of those flimsy 50p from the newsagent plastic masks.

Determined to make I go of it I phone a friend who comes round and uses face paint on my entire head (bald anyway) and down my neck beyond where the neckline of the pyjamas end. Looks MUCH better.

End of the night I get chatting to the new barmaid, one thing leads to another and it's back to my place for some monkey style fucking, me still dressed as Spiderman.

8AM Xmas day she's waking me up. I am confused. 8AM?

"I've got to get back to my boyfriends - NOW" she says.

Boyfriend? This was news to me, so I rang her a taxi, and *forgot* to remind her that she had bright red facepaint all over her face, boobs, belly, thighs, everywhere.

Saw her to the door and contentedly went back to bed to sleep off my hangover, chuckling at having had the last laugh.

Three weeks later it hurt me very much to pee, and turns out she had the last laugh after all :(
(Fri 13th Jan 2006, 0:36, More)

» Jobsworths

Me, as Barman, c. 1997
Being the nearest rock pub to the local college (which had a large Art dept.) we used to get 10-15 sixteen and seventeen yr old goths come in every weekday afternoon. I instantly hated them, but the owner put up with them because they drank their own bodyweights in our foul coffee, never asked for alcohol and ploughed all their bus money into the pool table and jukebox. After telling them for the thousandth time that gobbing in the ashtrays and having crisp fights is not really acceptable, the gothest, most miserable and most heavily made-up of the bunch comes to the bar and asks for a Pernod and Black. I ID him, and he leaves, looking even more sullen and muttering unpleasantries about me being `worse than Hitler`. The next day they all come back in and he asks for the same thing, I ID him and he pulls out his birth certificate. I look at him, look at the BC, then back at him before loudly asking "Your name is Clifford?!?" before breaking with fits of laughter.

Everty time he came in for the next 6 months all the big hairyarse bikers at the bar would break out into a chorus of `Living Doll` and I would roar with laughter.

They kept gobbing in the ashtrays though. Twunts.
(Thu 12th May 2005, 15:05, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Uncle Charlie's funeral
Took the girlfriend (even though she had never met him) and she's a bit of a beginner at the funeral thing, having only been to one previously when she was a wee nipper. I guide her through it as best I can, stand up now, sit down now etc.

Time for the first hymn...

DUN DUN DUN DUN goes the organ (we were sat near the pipes)

HOLY SHIT shrieketh the girlfriend. In church, at a funeral.

Holy shit indeed :/
(Thu 11th May 2006, 18:58, More)
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