» Accidentally Erotic

17 yr old piss stiffy and other tales of woe
I spent a bit of my time in hospital when I was 17 and woke up one day in intensive care. Now I don't know about anyone else but I CANNOT pee in those stupid little bottles they give you. So as the day wears on my body reacts by giving me a hard-on to stop me peeing myself. Bugger, thinks I. The nurse looking after me was getting concerened I hadn't been to the loo and decided, with another nurse, to check my bladder. Cue huge embarrassement from me and her as she slid her hand under my pyjamas and right on the top of my raging stiffy.

The last couple of years have been wonderful for me - NOT. Problems with my guts meant much prodding and poking and bum-fingering, but last year beat the lot.

In January I had appendicitis, young fit asian female doctor inserting her finger into my ringpiece was just the start.

Then I developed probs with my waterworks, meaning I was prodded and poked around my nether regions by a male doctor (not nice) and told I needed a camera inserting in my bladder to check for anything nasty. I hate sitting in a ward wearing nothing but a thin hospital gown trying to keep my very bored mind off the nurses for nearly an hour. Get into the theatre and find 3 nurses, all female, waiting patiently for me to lie down and lift my gown. Then one squirts some gunk down my japs eye and, heres the good bit, MASSAGES IT DOWN MY URETHRA (think backwards hand shandy). How I managed not get a lob on astounds me even now.

I'd better stop now, need to go walk the dog, yes, thats it, walk .... the ..... dog ......
(Thu 2nd Feb 2006, 19:52, More)

» Kids

I hate kids
I work (but only for 10 more days) in a secondary school and get to see the worst of kids who's mummy and daddy think they can do nothing wrong.

I've had kids accuse me of assault mainly after they tried to push their way through me, one tripped over his own feet while trying to run from me (which i found quite funny).

I'm sworn at on a daily basis, threatened occasionally (doesn't help that by the time they are 14 most of the sods are bigger than little old me) and even had one square up against me - I had had a foul day up to that point, so the look in my eyes as I growled come on then, must have registered as he swiftly backed off.

I've had parents coming up to me and moaning/shouting that I have stopped their little angel from disobeying school rules and how petty I am for doing so.

So I hate kids, little spoiled miserable wigger bastards that they mainly are.

But... last week I helped a Year 11 get some work back and convert some music he needed to a usable format. He came to see me the next day to say thank you for helping. I was actually stuck for words and had my faith in humanity restored for a while.

So after over 11 years working in a school, I'm finally leaving and going to work as a prison officer. I must be a fucking masochist.

and a little unrelatedish aside - last week two so called hard men chavs decided to pick on a small emo kid, taunting him about having no parents and other such shit. This kid is a lovely lad, quiet and well behaved. He told them that he had enough shit going on in his life without any from them. They took this as an excuse to start swinging for him. He floored both of the fuckers in quick succession much to all the staff's delight :o)
(Thu 17th Apr 2008, 21:00, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

Everyone who helped my wife over the last year
The nicest thing done for me was by the multitude of people who made sure my wife was still here this year:

Our family doctor who had her in to see a specialist within 24 hours of seeing her.
The medical teams at North Tees, Hartlepool and James Cook hospitals.
My ex-bosses who gave me all the time off that I needed (and who didn't try to kill me when I left earlier this year to start at a new job (and did I feel crap when I had to tell them I was leaving))
Family, friends and colleagues for all the help and wishes.
A special mention for Christine who saw me in my room at work when I was at my lowest, came in and gave me a big hug without saying a word.
Jackie's mam and dad for buying us a new car when ours was dying a death (it was meant to be a loan, but on trying to repay it we were told "What loan? What money?").
To the pms from b3tans.
and Jackie for smiling and laughing her way through it all.
(Thu 2nd Oct 2008, 21:34, More)

» * PFFT *

I can never think of a bloody title.
Best story about farts I heard was from one of the bosses at work. He was a bit of sod for smoking in bed and his wife used to complain bitterly that he'd set fire to the place one night. He was laid there one night, arse resting on his wifes leg when, after brewing a good hot one, he lets rip silently. His wife jumps out the bed screaming, saying that he'd burnt her leg with a fag. "No I haven't." says Kenny, "Yes you bloody have," says wifey "look, there's even a bloody burn mark" she says as she points to a small brown mark on her leg.

My old dog was a bastard for farting and looking round at you disgustedly as if it was you that had let rip. Smelly bugger he was too. He was the one who while sleeping with his nose tucked into his arse let one rip and somersaulted off the bed in shock.

Oh yes, and my wife once farted while I was munching away down there. Funny how a mouthful of swamp gas can shrivel your dick so quickly.
(Sat 14th Jul 2007, 19:19, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Overgrown spoilt brats
I work with a bunch of overgrown spoilt brats.

Prisoners.

A lazier, whinging, moaning, tale telling, bullying, manipulative bunch of wankers you would be hard pressed to find. Although to be honest some are good lads who are there to do their time and never come back.

If they don't like something they complain to the governor. If they don't like something we've said they complain to the governor. Or call you a racist, homophobe, disabilist etc.

They get free food and lots of it (food here is shit guv) and still waste more in a day than a hospital patient gets in a week.

They don't pay for accomodation, clothes or gym access and treat all facilities like shit (literally - an example is one dirty bastard shitting in a shower). Even if they are working outside and earning more than I do (yes, some prisons let them out to work as part of resettlement).

They seem shocked when we dare to question their honesty having discovered contraband on them.

They are abusive to staff but whine like hell when given it back (and complain to the governor, of course).

I did manage to annoy one this week enough for him to threaten to complain to the S.O. that I was picking on him. He'd buggered off from cleaning duties after 15 minutes and I'd caught him and sent him back. I had to go sort out something else and he'd buggered off again.

So in the afternoon I told him to scrub the walls of a wing. He wanted to know why him, and why I was picking on him, and why couldn't one of the others do it (they were working hard all morning and afternoon while he skived). I calmy told him I needed them doing and the others were busy. His reply was along the lines of "I'm not doing it cos you're treating me unfairly and I'm going to make a complaint against you." I told him "Fine, you go see the S.O." which stopped him in his tracks. After hearing that I would gladly let him see the S.O. the confusion was evident in his eyes (I'm a probationer so as far as he cares I know nothing and can be scared by any complaints made against me). He eventually came to realise I really, really didn't care about his threats and told me "OK I'll do your fucking walls" before storming off to do them.

Thing is I really was picking on the lazy moaning bastard and by being calm, not raising my voice and making no threats to put him on report I confused the hell out of him.

I'm getting to really like my job :o)
(Sat 11th Oct 2008, 22:14, More)