b3ta.com user SpongyMonkey
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» Food sabotage

My friend Henry put beef into my friend Sam's special vegan yoghurt but made very little attempt to disguise it. Whilst very simple it was also rather amusing when Sam returned from the loo and said "Henry is that beef in my yoghurt?" Excellent.
(Tue 23rd Sep 2008, 23:09, More)

» Scary Neighbours

Mad and scary neighbours
My neighbours are bizarre: next door on one side I have a terrifying chav-tastic family whose kids are named after characters out of The Matrix (no joke) who swear at each other constantly in the garden - even their 4 yr old says the f word. The other side, the bloke there hits the woman every time Forest lose, so quite often...the piece de resistance is the woman next door but one who keeps putting her cat on my doorstep, ringing the bell and then running away. I've seen her do it from my bedroom window...
(Mon 29th Aug 2005, 13:59, More)

» Tramps

I apprended a ham-thieving tramp
in the Peterborough branch of Te$c0 Xpress a few weeks back. I went to do my weekly shop one night after work and as I was about to select some cold cuts for sandwiches, I looked down and noticed, aghast, there was a drunk tramp sat in the chiller cabinet eating ham from a packet. I shouted a security guard and the tramp promptly tried to leg it, stuffing the packet of open ham into his pocket. He was caught and the ham was removed from his person. Strange thing is, he stole Value range ham. Surely if you were going to nick some you'd steal the pricer stuff?
(Sun 5th Jul 2009, 19:49, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Upon reading an article in Cosmo...
on clitoral piercing, my friend Fiona from uni uttered the immortal line:
"What kind of twat has that done?"
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 23:26, More)

» Nativity Plays

Shame and Rabbits...
For some unknown reason I liked doing am-dram when I was a kid/teenager :there's not much to do in rural north Worcestershire when you're tired of smoking fags and drinking cider in the park. Hence I appeared in some of Hagley's finest dramatic productions. Being the token "fat kid" I turned A Christmas Carol into a comedy by playing Scrooge's supposedly frail little sister in the flashback to Xmas past scene. When the Ghost of Xmas Past uttered the line, "Such a frail, dear little thing" the whole of Hagley Community Centre pissed itself laughing. Even my parents. Nice.
Other amusing Nativity related anecdotes involve my mum's class rabbit escaping from its hutch, hiding under the stage then chewing through the lighting cables during the Nativity, leading the deputy head to shout, "That fucking rabbit!" in front of a bemused group of primary school kids....apologies for length.
(Fri 27th Mar 2009, 14:30, More)
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