» Losing Your Virginity

not mine, done already
All right it's slightly off as it’s not me but my mate did it in style.

One horny male? Check
One horny female? Check
Enough vodka to anesthetize a Water Buffalo? Check
One bedroom? Check
Best friend asking for your ‘lucky condom’? Check
Wish him well and consider whether he knows that bird has a boyfriend who’s also at the party? Check

The full tale of woe was only fully revealed to the poor lad next morning though.
One best friend appears looking sheepish, bruised, confused and very worried holding a very blood filled condom. Cue much amusement from me in telling him that he obviously has testicular cancer…. The truth was probably going to be too much for him

Best friend’s sister then appears and recounts in decibels above Concorde at 1m on afterburner what actually happened to the one man in the entire building who is having difficulty remembering what happened the night before……

Friend and said girl disappear back to his bedroom with my ‘Geronimo’, both are blind drunk and promptly get down and dirty, pissed girl has very sharp finger nails with which she manages to rip large chunks out of his member and ball sack. Obviously copious lubrication results with my friend thinking, “wow I can get her that wet!”

Now for the best bit….. Girls screams of ecstasy attract attention of her boyfriend who is at the party, he storms in to find my friend on top of his bird who is screaming and covered in blood, unfairly assumes the worst and tries to batter my mate with a lampshade. Takes about 6 people to drag him off and hold him down.
Mate’s sister now appears to see her brother and random bird naked and covered in blood and semen and also assumes the worst… So she dresses her brothers shag, whilst apologizing and saying he’s a lovely guy really and wouldn’t hurt a fly and it’s all been a horrible mistake… she then basically throws both the boyfriend and random bird into the street and tells them both to fuck off home and not to implicate her brother in any dodgy rape allegation ‘cos she’s got ‘mates’! Did I mention she’s his younger sister and is 15 at the time…….

The final nail in his ego coffin is when Caz (a very strange female friend of ours) reveals she was in the bedroom the whole time watching, but had to stop masturbating herself half way through because she was laughing so much at his incompetence she couldn’t keep a good grip on her clit…..


He still has the scars to this day.

No apologies for length, girth or quantity of ‘nature’s lubricant’
(Mon 7th Mar 2005, 4:54, More)

» Heckles

Alien cracker
Was watching Alien Resurrection at the cinema, it gets to the scene where Sigourney Weaver drips a bit of blood on the floor which then acid burns through the floor revealing her half alien genes to the audience.

Mate sittimg next to me announces to the whole cinema at maximum volume "You wouldn't fuck her when she's on the rag would you?"

To which my enterprising mate on the other side replied "It's ok you can just shove slaked lime up her cunt first..."


Apologies for length, girth and chemical burns....
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 23:01, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

I was 8 or 9
On holiday in the Med, some random girl with another family, we were both far too young.
Thereafter didn't try again for another decade.....
It also hurt 2nd time around
PS I'm a bloke....
(Thu 3rd Mar 2005, 18:22, More)

» Claims to Fame

Four things
1. I used to go out with Robin Page's (of One Man and his Dog fame) goddaughter

2. I was on the nine O'clock news being interviewed about picking up my A-Level results

3. I'd blown up the science lab on the last day of sixth form (as in big smoking hole in lab bench) and was only allowed back to pick up the results 'cos the telly people wanted to talk to a state school lad who was going to Cambridge Uni

4. Managing to self fellate when I was 14, sadly the spines too stiff now.....
(Thu 3rd Mar 2005, 1:19, More)

» Little things that turn you on

Amputees
Or the beautifully confused expression my girlfriend has when she's waking up. Ahhhhhh
(Sat 19th Feb 2005, 1:59, More)