» DIY Surgery

Definitely one to make the chaps cringe......
Many moons ago, when I was but a lad (about 18 and discovering the joys of inappropriateness with the leydees) I suffered from a condition called Phimosis - feel free to google it but it's basically a foreskin that is too tight to retract without causing pain and swelling.....

One evening, lubricated by a number of pints of the lunatic special at the Old Man and Scythe I managed to get lucky with a lady and managed to "do the deed". It hurt like hell but somehow the old fella managed to perform and all was good.

Until later that night. If you can imagine the scenario - the foreskin retracts but decides to shrink around my bellend. Basically I was priapic with a persistent erection and my helmet was turning an angry purple and getting larger. I managed to live with it for a few hours until the pain became too much to bear.

Now the object of my affection that evening was a nurse and thought (due to the effects of being shitfaced) that it would be a simple process to relieve the pressure until I could seek professional assistance. So we commenced the operation...

Nail scissors sterilised in a ligher flame, ice liberally applied to the offending area to numb the pain and the banjo string and the stubborn ring of foreskin around the base of the helmet is cut! I was very surprised how tough human flesh is, even in the most delicate of areas.....

All was good for about 30 seconds. The pressure subsided and things started to look normal then the pain decided to kick in together with copious blood flow. If didn't know I could bleed so much and live. It was everywhere, the sink, the bath, the floor, the bathmat, towels - you name it, it got a soaking.

We decided at that point that a trip to casualty was in order.....the member for Quimborough was wrapped in a towel and the ambulance was called.

It was worth the embarassment of the consultation as the next day I'd had an emergency circumcision and a few weeks later (once the stitches had disssolved/been picked out) I discovered the true joy of sex.

Absolutely true and the most painful thing I've ever encountered but worth it in the end.
(Thu 20th Jan 2011, 13:09, More)

» Ouch!

Airbags HURT!!!!
I've been pretty lucky when it comes to driving, having only had a couple of small prangs in over 25 years with no real ouchies at all. This all changed two years ago....

I was minding my own business driving down the A49 in Warrington (Winwick Road for those who know the area). No this road goes past Warrington College and on the day in question, I was driving past at kicking out time at a steady 40mph (ish) when I was distracted by the rather pert cheeks on a young student wandering along the pavement on my side of the road. When I say distracted, what I actually meant was I craned my neck in the style of a barn owl, all the better to have a look at the front of the vision in tiny shorts.

My curiosity satisfied, I turned to face in the direction on travel only to see the back of a shiny new Astra looming... I had about half a oneosecond to react and turned the wheel through about a quarter of a turn to avoid the car.

Now airbags are designed to protect the head and torso in the event of a crash. In the event, my arms which would have been in the perfect position for the airbag to inflate between them and give me a lovely kiss and save my life were crossed over the wheel. My left forearm was clean broken and my wrist smacked me dead centre on the forehead knocking me out cold.

Now most of this happened in a tiny fraction of a second - the ouchie came when I came to, and used my broken arm to undo the seatbelt. I never knew how shiny bones were when they are poking through the skin and I always thought bone marrow was dark and tasty like it is in a lamb chop and not red and gooey.....

I passed out again and waited patiently for the ambulance.
(Tue 3rd Aug 2010, 15:57, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

I'm afraid I have to admit to my own ignorance....
In Spetember last year I flew to Australia for the first time heading for Sydney...

I flew via Singapore and as the plane crossed the coast of Oz over Darwin, the chap next to me who was looking out of the window said "look, there's Darwin, we're over Australia".

So I popped my bookmark into my book, packed my Ipod away, put my shoes back on and sat waiting for our descent.



Five and a half hours later, we actually landed.
(Sun 21st Mar 2010, 16:00, More)

» Irrational Hatred

Peaches Geldof
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(Thu 31st Mar 2011, 16:39, More)

» Asking people out

A private party
I'd been working in Reading and staying in a hotel in Maidenhead for quite a while.

Where was a lovely redhead Aussie girl working behind the bar. I flirted and innuendo'd for all I was worth for some weeks. Eventually I asked if she'd like to attend a private party for two in my room after her shift. I went back to my room and after half an hour popped outside for a smoke.

There outside the door was a bottle of red and two glasses....

We're getting married next year.

Yay to me and my flirty ways!
(Thu 10th Dec 2009, 15:38, More)