A little late, Oscar eyewear double bill
and
I post my sunglasses at night
(Thu 3rd Mar 2005, 0:27, More)

» Shops and Supermarkets

I used to work at the local One Stop at uni
They made me supervisor over all the local dweebs in a second because I could count and was capable of rational thought. I would work the late shift with one well meaning but hopeless simian helper. One of the brands of cigarillos ran a promotion where 1 in 5 ten packs had replaced one cigarillo with a £5 note instead (in those days you would have been up around £2 per pack after purchase). It happened to be the local mole man's brand and he would come in each night and eagerly purchase a pack. I would observe stony faced the child like excitement in his eyes as he eagerly tore off the wrapper, as if it were some kind of cancerous wonka bar expectant of finding a golden ticket, each night his disappointment would be crushing, "Better luck next time, mate" I would commiserate. Little did he know that as soon as the promotion started, I, being a penniless student and having the run of the shop, had taken all the stock of that brand out back and put the super accurate money scales to good use. Sure enough 1 in 5 packs were much lighter than the others, I put the other packs back, dumped around 20 packs of cigarillos in front of my dull chimp faced helper and paid for them, then proceeded to extract a £5 note from each pack right in front of her bemused face. For my sins, my spliffs were tainted with horrible cigarillo tabacco for many months that followed.
(Mon 14th May 2012, 2:26, More)

» Heckles

40 year old virgin
I laughed out loud during the 'I know you're gay' argument when he say 'I know you're gay because you like Coldplay'. I was the only person who laughed out laud and all the gaylords in the cinema stayed deathly quiet
(Tue 11th Apr 2006, 12:51, More)

» Shit Claims to Fame II

Was at the till in Game on Oxford Street
purchasing Super Mario Kart for Wii, there was some idiot with a huge stack of PS3 games loudly chatting breeze at the cashier next to me. I looked over, I faintly recognised him and then realised it was non other than ex-GamesMaster host and general dweeb Dexter Fletcher. He looked over to me, both of us trying to look vaguely unimpressed. He spots my purchase and pipes up "Actually, have you got Super Mario Kart for the Playstation?", to which the cashier replied "Nah mate, its strictly Nintendo innit?". Nice one GamesMaster, what a total knob.
(Thu 20th Sep 2012, 18:40, More)

» Fire!

Bacon Sandwich Monkey Face Total Flaming Disaster + fun fire game + bunsen
Fire Story 1

I was working the late shift at the pub and I got home late feeling a bit peckish so I decided to make a bacon sandwich. I turned on our grimey fat drenched grill to heat up a bit and went to watch the monkeys on BBC Sign Zone. I was so knackered plus the fact that I was so amused by the stupid monkeys grooming and shagging that I completely forgot about grill.

By the time I relaised that I had been superheating the grill for too long it was too late, the fat had caught fire and there was thick black, foul smelling, smoke everywhere. I was quite calm and fetched the fire blanket. The problem was the grill pan had melted and was too hot to remove so I could not cover it. I stood around scratching my head for a bit. Finally I decided the best thing to do was close the grill door, cover the entire oven with the blanket and wait for it to all go away. I spent the next half hour or so milling about in an increasingly smokey room, ocasionally openning the grill door to be met by a gush of flame and billowing smoke. In the end I had to wake everyone and call the firebrigade, my housemates called me prick.

The fire brigade were very good, although I thought it was somewhat unprofessional of the fireman who removed the offending pan to do so using our flowery oven gloves (actually I was also a bit miffed that we were called back into the house by sledgehammer weilding firemen who were saying they would have to smash our fire alarm because they could not turn it off - I pressed the off switch instead).

In the end I caused over £500 worth of damage. Fucking monkeys.

Fire Story 2

As I child me and my brother used to play the 'Firey Rag Game' round my friend's house. It involved using fuel from my friend's dad's petrol lawn mower to douse a leather rag, sets it on fire, and see how long you could swing it round your head. It makes a cool whooshing sound and was really fun, I thouroughly recommend it.

Fire Story 3

Being reminded of this by another fire story makes me realise me and fire really don't mix. It was at school and we were working in pairs during chemistry. Me and my mate Sarab (we both had a reputation for mischief) had to set up a bunsen but as was standard the quality of the safety goggle I had been issued was poor; they were so scratched up that everything looked kinda blurry. Sarab had attached the bunsen and had a match ready so he asked me to turn on the gas tap. I reached over and turned the tap, then Sarab struck the match and we were both narrowly missed by a 10ft jet of flame which set fire to some blinds behind us.

It turned out that I had been so blinded by the so-called 'safety' goggles that I had turned the wrong tap and we had lit that up instead. We stood around momentarily stunned by the spectacle until my chemistry teacher ran over, turned off the gas and rolled up the blind putting out the fire and then promtly sent us both out.
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 13:52, More)

» Claims to Fame

Bubble from Big Brother and that historian guy off Time Commanders
Working in a pub means celebrities might walk in.

I have seen Bubble, he wondered around and people just stared at him.

I also spotted that american historian off Time Commanders that pronounces everything weird, he drinks real ale.
(Tue 1st Mar 2005, 22:30, More)