b3ta.com user Jimmy Large
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» Twattery

Parking Twat
This is a tale of someone thinking they own a parking space on the queens highway.

Picture the scene:
I am driving to my dear mummy's for Easter Sunday to giveth and receiveth the chocolate eggs that Jesus went on the cross for as is traditional. I spot a ball of paper in the road and think nothing of driving over it as is my want, only for the ball of paper to deliver a spine juddering jolt through my body and deliver what I thought at the time was a fatal blow to my tire.

I pull over and stop the car straight away and go to check the tire which thankfully is intact, so I turn my attention to the paper ball which had attempted to destroy me and my car to see what super material it was made of.

Upon picking it up I discover that to my shock it was not made of paper at all, but was a lump of concrete wrapped in bacofoil, wrapped in a paper sign that said "NO PARAKING!!!!"(Exclamation marks and poor spelling were actually written on aforementioned paper)

To I say was enraged would be an understatement.

So imagine my rage increasing further when I hear coming from the front of the house outside which this car-destroyer is situated
"Oi, what are you doing with my bollard?!"
I spin round to see a mess of a man, a truly horrific spectre of grim ugliness, I then stop looking in the window at my reflection and raise my head to see a little old lady emerging from her house, rolling pin raised, curlers in, Nora Batty eat your heart out.

Apparently the "bollard" is there to stop people parking in front of her house because it spoils her view, SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A CAR AND THE VIEW IS SHIT.
I explain to old lady that leaving rocks disguised as paper in the middle of the road is not appropriate behavior, and that anyone can park on a public road which she disagreed with so I did what any enraged person would do and stole her rock so she could no longer inflict the warcrimes that I had been subjected to!

This displeased the old lady who threatened to call the police, after which I politely told her to fuck off and do one before I stoved her head in with the rock. The tune changed very quickly and she broke down in tears.

I felt like superman.
(Fri 13th Apr 2012, 10:14, More)

» Festivals

The foot
We Went to Reading festival in 2007 with a guy that had lived next door to me for years who was a bit green when it came to drugs. This was to be his baptism of fire (quite literally) to a world of druggage to which he would never go back...

Got there on the thursday and set up camp with about 15 others, did the usual in getting everything set up and the fire going which was all good. Being the impatient lot we are, we bosh the acid on the first night but my aforementioned friend decided he did not want acid as it would be too heavy. Fair enough.

After a couple of hours he was getting a bit bored of watching us all stare at the fire making funny noises and laughing so unbeknownst to me asks another of my friends if he can have an E.

he has the E then after it does not work he asks for another, then another, then another.

In the space of an hour. AN HOUR. This man had never taken drugs before in his life. He came up and couldn't speak for about 2 hours, his face looked like it was about to explode and foam was coming out of his mouth. Any attempt to communicate was met with a wild stare and a growling noise through the clenched teeth of a madman, I feared for his life.

After 2 hours of trying to get the poor fucker to tell us what he wanted he shouted in the loudest possible way:

JOOINNT!!

after getting the joint sorted he decided that his feet were cold and wanted to to put them in the fire. Despite this obviously being a bad idea and everyone trying to discourage him from doing so, he kept putting his bloody feet in the fire!

On waking up in the morning it turned out that his foot had actually cooked inside his wellington. Like properly cooked. The flesh had come away from the bones and all you could see was meat and tendons, it was disgusting. I am at work now and don't have the picture, but when I get home you are all in for a treat!

BEHOLD THE FOOT!

This was about 3 months after the date in question. I can't find a more sickening one than this I'm afraid


(Thu 4th Jun 2009, 15:46, More)

» Get Rich Quick

Hmmm
I started a website, asked people to contribute sick jokes then dared to sell them all back to them in a book!

fnar
(Thu 31st Jul 2008, 22:57, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Expert in the field......
In no particular order of favouriteness:

* flicking ash into people who are cunts pints then watching them be ill.
* Countless rubbing of peoples phones in my arse crack when they are outof the office is also good if someone is particularly annoying me.
* Gluing all the tools in the woodwork shop in school to the shelves so no one can use them.
* Blocking the work toilet with large amounts of shite and bog paper. then flushing and running off.
* Changing the win95 logo.sys and logow.sys files to show goatse at college (that nearly got me booted out)
* also just randomly changing peoples homepage to goatse is a good one anywhere really...
* Working as an IT support person is easily the best job for sabotaging stuff as everyone trusts you implicitly even though you can actually be a bastard. If that moany secretary gets you down i find emptying paperclips into a pc then seeing how long it is before the users pc shorts and dies, then blaming them for pushing paperclips into their machines is a good one.
* Deliberately breaking stuff so i can go off site and do nothing for a whole day,(should have put that in last week, D'oh!) Also turning peoples network speed down to the lowest is funny too...

Such an evil git........

I blame my mother!!!
(Wed 4th May 2005, 10:36, More)

» Drugs

Pearoast!
Reposted from the festival QOTW

The foot
We Went to Reading festival in 2007 with a guy that had lived next door to me for years who was a bit green when it came to drugs. This was to be his baptism of fire (quite literally) to a world of druggage to which he would never go back...

Got there on the thursday and set up camp with about 15 others, did the usual in getting everything set up and the fire going which was all good. Being the impatient lot we are, we bosh the acid on the first night but my aforementioned friend decided he did not want acid as it would be too heavy. Fair enough.

After a couple of hours he was getting a bit bored of watching us all stare at the fire making funny noises and laughing so unbeknownst to me asks another of my friends if he can have an E.

he has the E then after it does not work he asks for another, then another, then another.

In the space of an hour. AN HOUR. This man had never taken drugs before in his life. He came up and couldn't speak for about 2 hours, his face looked like it was about to explode and foam was coming out of his mouth. Any attempt to communicate was met with a wild stare and a growling noise through the clenched teeth of a madman, I feared for his life.

After 2 hours of trying to get the poor fucker to tell us what he wanted he shouted in the loudest possible way:

JOOINNT!!

after getting the joint sorted he decided that his feet were cold and wanted to to put them in the fire. Despite this obviously being a bad idea and everyone trying to discourage him from doing so, he kept putting his bloody feet in the fire!

On waking up in the morning it turned out that his foot had actually cooked inside his wellington. Like properly cooked. The flesh had come away from the bones and all you could see was meat and tendons, it was disgusting. I am at work now and don't have the picture, but when I get home you are all in for a treat!

BEHOLD THE FOOT!

This was about 3 months after the date in question. I can't find a more sickening one than this I'm afraid


(Thu 16th Sep 2010, 13:02, More)
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