» Blood

Best Parent Award 1985
When I was around one year old I was crawling around the back yard while my father was felling trees a la leatherface. He popped in doors a second with the thing still winding down outside and I had to be rushed to hospital after my valiant baby attempt at stopping this foul machine with my face. Of course I can't remember this myself, being so young, but I do have a nifty (thankfully faded) little scar on my nose shaped a bit like the letter W. I'm unsure what that could stand for, but mishaps like this create supervillains.
(Mon 11th Aug 2008, 7:12, More)

» My most gullible moment

My friend has no sense of sarcasm or irony...
She was quoting me various things from an interior design magazine while attempting to pick a colour for her bathroom. She said that she needed to choose one of the ones that they said give a room "more space".
I explained to her that she has to be VERY careful meddling with advanced things like that. TV interior designers Colin & Justin did a surprise makeover on an elderly mans house and painted it oranges and reds to give it "the illusion of warmth." The old man froze to death in the winter not bothering to put his heating on, the effect was that powerful. The two were jailed for their negligence, thats why you don't see Colin and Justin on TV anymore.

She believed that for ages and even after I told her just settled for a pale blue...
(Tue 26th Aug 2008, 20:22, More)

» Fire!

A rather inept one but....
When I was at school myself and a friend decided to spray most of the contents of a deodourant can into a small plastic lemonade bottle and ignite it in a crowded hallway while going to our next class. The result was a fairly large fireball rather than the explosion we had hoped (which was lucky considering my accomplice was holding said bottle in his hands). We were apprehended the next day due and suspended. The reason on the suspension slip and my record: "Bomb making".

Being Northern Irish I'm quite proud of recieving my first minor terrorist charge at 15!
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 21:53, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

Large. Scary. Lesbanian.
At sweet 17 at just had to get it over and done with. The girl/women in comfortable shoes was a LOT bigger than me, and constantly reminded me that her clitoris "was like a tiny penis". I couldn't even get the condom on fumbling with it for an age (longer than the dirty deed itself), first trying to put it on the wrong way round, throwing it in the bin, then having to retrieve it at her request. After a minute or two (ok, a minute) of a large bovine like woman writhing on top of me, at the hieght of my pleasure (wasnt much, since the scariness of the situation only allowed for me to be at half mast for most of it, constantly having to be put back in by her.) she moaned words which to this day perplex and disturb me. "Oh, oh, oh IM IN MY COUSIN'S" House? Dog? I'll never know...

I've got better, don't worry.
(Thu 3rd Mar 2005, 21:28, More)