» Banks

Interjecting phonetwat
Davros' Granddad's story reminds me of a similar event when my nan died.

My stepdad was in charge of dealing with all nan's arrangements, and succeeded mostly without trouble; I forget which institution was the exception.

Stepdad: Hello, I'd like to speak to someone about closing Nannybakerloo's account, she...
Teenage phonemonkey fucktard: I'm afraid we can only speak to the account holder, sir
SD: Yes, I realise that, but I'm afraid it's not possible, so I'll repeat: could *I* speak to someone please, because Mrs...
TPF: Sir, I can't allow that. I am only authorised to speak to Nannybakerloo
SD: Well, if you'll let me finish, Nannybakerloo died this afternoon, so it'll be pretty fucking difficult for you to speak to her. Does this change things at all?
TPF: [audible gulp] I'll just place you on hold, Sir, while I see what my supervisor says
(Sat 18th Jul 2009, 13:03, More)

» Teenage Parties

21, but i pretend to be peter pan
my mate's 21st party was held the weekend of my birthday and two months after hers. made sense somehow.

nothing of any particular interest occurred until the party died and people starting trying to find places to sleep. i was one of the last to nab a spot, and ended up having to share with a mate of the host's. unbeknown to me, a female nymphomaniac mate of the host's.

so there we are, sharing a space on the floor and a blanket, when she starts spooning me. i gulped slightly. she then announced how fantastic her breasts were, grabbed my hand and made me sample their delights whilst further proclaiming "and i'm fucking horny". "er... yes, they are, but i'm gay".

now you think it'd stop there, no? no. "oh... *disappointment* well... i suppose it doesn't really matter." "yes it fucking does!"

fortunately she passed out at this point.

anyone else got a story of mistaken sexuality and/or the fear of rape?
(Thu 13th Apr 2006, 20:33, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

buy... steal... it's all the same
students + wetherspoons

pissed at the imp with a group of mates, manage to steal a pitcher [to add to the ever-growing collection of wetherspoons' memorabilia / crockery] and stagger out. proceed kebab-shop-wards initially until we hit roadworks. cue three of us hauling two road diversion barrier, an illuminated traffic island, plus the obligatory cones and 'men at work' signs down new north road whilst rest of our party abandon us rather sharpish.

unfortunately for us, being newbies to exeter, we didn't realise that new north road is the site of the county prison, and consequently quite possibly exeter's most heavily cctv'd road. plain clothes cops and panda car come at us from each direction and accuse us of PULLING THE FUCKING TRAFFIC ISLAND FROM ITS CONCRETE MOUNTING. cue three of us looking bemusedly at eachother then me flexing my biceps in a "you really think these could remove the stick from an ice lolly, let alone a bloody great bollard from concrete? i'm no king arthur" pose.

so, yeah.

/lurk
(Mon 13th Jun 2005, 12:41, More)

» School Sports Day

sports afternoons in general
by year nine, i had demonstrated sufficiently by total disdain for any sporting activities and was thus permitted to do unsupervised cross-country. unsupervised = loosely supervised by mr bayes ["you... cross country lot. yes, you. go to the public park around a mile away and run around there for a bit." at some point it changed to orienteering in the surrounding streets; the area in which we were allowed to roam were defined by the local drinking holes. this continued to year ten.

year eleven, we had mr amery for badminton/squash/table tennis at the public sports centre. amazing the number of times we got lost en route and ended up getting stoned at my mate's.

happy days
(Sun 2nd Apr 2006, 21:56, More)

» Customers from Hell

Seasonal shoppers
Late night opening in my old workplace for christmas, and the fire alarm starts ringing in the [closed] shop next door. Ignore this, as it's quite common.

Temp comes out of the stockroom calling me, saying I should check out our stockroom, whilst I've got a queue at the till snaking to the other end of the store. I swap with the temp, and wander into the stockroom... to find a distinctly smokey smell and thin wisps of grey coming from underneath the fire door joining us to our neighbours.

Returning to the shop floor, I advice staff and customers that there appears to be a genuine fire next door, and would everyone mind leaving the building in a quick, quiet and safe manner.

Customer: Can I just pay for my stuff first?
Me: No, we're shutting the store right now, so you'll have to leave anything not yet purchased and make your way outside with the rest of the staff and customers
Customer: But I can't get back into town to buy these
Me: Well madam, I'm leaving now, as are the rest of my staff. You're welcome to wait in the building if you like, but our stockroom's currently filling with smoke and if the fire brigade don't arrive soon, it's not looking good for you is it? So, are you going to stand here at an unmanned till, or...?

I got a snide look and a loud harumph from the fat bint, and several grins from my staff :D
(Wed 10th Sep 2008, 15:27, More)