» My first love

He was...
.. 15, fat and pretty ugly. God knows what attracted me to the Spawn of Satan to begin with. Stephan* was 15, horny and totally in love with my best friend, who we'll pretend is called Thea. Since Thea didn't want him I suppose he opted for Plan B and decided to date me to get through to Thea. We got together within 30 minutes of meeting and circa 30 minutes after that he was already up for a fumble. I was 12 years old, and said something on the lines of "No Way Jose'!" Labelling him a horny-so-and-so I dumped him. Should have let it rest there really.

But the flirting escalated and one month later we were an official couple and I was over the moon. You see, I suddenly realised that Stephan was the guy for me (OMG!) However, four days of fumbling later he didn't turn up for our date and I was positively heart broken. Decided to go for a walk by the sea when I saw Thea and him in a passionate embrace, both sporting matching sets of hiccies. AND, that very same night he started dating a horse-faced bad-breathed chav with a big pair of hooters.

Heartbreak ensues for around 5 months before he finally tells Ms. horse-face-bad-breath-woman-with-the-big-hooters that it's over. Pounces on me. We date and split up for 5 times in two months.

By then I'd turned 13 and realised that I couldn't get the little sod out of my head. I sent him a pathetic love letter telling him that I love him. As a reciprocation he fucked me when I specifically had told him that I DIDN'T want to. Ahhh... fuck young love {pun intended}. Following profuse bleeding, lots of panic from both of us, even more of me putting-on-ye-good-olde-brave-face and my mother almost trashing me within an inch of my life (I told her I was consenting of course - had I done otherwise I'm sure she'd be serving a life-sentence), he called the next day to see how I am before hanging up rather hastily.

I pestered him for a couple of weeks, then realised that I had been a hump-me-dump-me victim. Insert approximately 2 years of depression here, with an appology thrown in by him somewhere in the middle. Those were followed by my final attempt to make him love me by confessing that 24 months later, aged 15, I couldn't move on. What did he do? HE SHOWED ME A PICTURE OF HIS THEN [CURRENT?] GIRLFRIEND. He moved away soon after that.

Last time I saw him, circa three years ago he looked positively depressed. That made me unexplainably delighted. I still see his twunting-stuck-up-cnut of a sister around sometimes. Eventually I got over him, the non-consensual sex and didn't fall in love again before I turned 16.

I'm a week shy of my 21st now. In all honesty, I hope he chokes on his vomit :D!

Talk about learning the hard way. Bitter much? Lemon and lime, sweetheart.

*name not changed to protect identity

[Appologies for length... it's his fault, again].
(Sun 23rd Oct 2005, 14:07, More)

» Misunderstood

Arf, Barf
Me: "Ai goig arf"
Dentist: "Laugh? What's so funny?"
Me: "Ai se ai goig arf"
Dentist: "Arf? Dogs?"
Me: "Ai..."

Arf I did. Arf wioth a "B" infront. All over myself. Thank god for plastic bibs down at the good old dentists. The pump that collects spit and what not was shoved half way down my throat (almost).
(Sat 8th Oct 2005, 23:53, More)

» Petty Sabotage

One of my 'friends'...
... happened to be a rigt cow. She was year older than me at the time (I was around 15). She shagged anything with a pulse (including a guy I really liked at the time) and basically slutted around a lot. Then, her hardcore religious dad decided she needed advanced art tuition in a different school and sent her out of town.

In the meantime we remained in contact through snail mail. On one occasion she started blustering about her latest "beau" and sent me a photograph of the guy's erect mahood with her name (Sue for the sake of example) scrawled just above his pubic bone (presumably in permanent marker). On the back of the photo there was a caption which went something like "Hasn't he got a big one?", including the obligatory 'Lots of Love, Sue XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX' signature.

Thinking about all the times she'd called me fat and ugly, I slyly posted the picture through her family's mail box and let time do the rest of the work.

Not only was she brought home almost immediately, but grounded for a pretty long time. Best bit comes here: she knew that the only person who could have posted it was me, but she was way too proud to admit that her dad could ground her or tell her off - hence she still called me to tell me she was back. I visited her everyday after that and relished her 'heartbreak' over losing the 'man of her dreams'(along with the excuse that her headmaster had gotten her thrown out of the school after catching her giving the aforementioned big-manhood-guy head in an empty classroom after school hours).

When she was finally allowed out again (and I never spoke to her again) she apparently fell pregnant (news from her mum to my mum to me) because the sole method of contraception she used was the morning-after-pill. And by then she must have had it 60 times (no kidding). Either way something didn't work and little bubba rcomes into the world. Daddy? unknown.

It's funny, I sabotaged and so did Karma.

Oh well...
(Sun 8th May 2005, 0:05, More)

» Hidden Treasure

Weird photo negatives
They were taking down the old Hilton in Malta to rebuild a new one. I was around 11 at the time. So me and the friends went exploring. We found some very weird photo negatives, a key and a log book.

Pretty interesting but weird none the less.
Nothing to write home about indeed.
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 14:26, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Granted that I've never been on hoilday...
... I'll recount a pseudo-holiday experince. Aged 16, my mates and I decide to go on a beach trip and sleep on the sand.

There's many things you don't know when you're young, such as leaning over a neon-light with your long fringe distended over it for a good 20 minutes causes an unbelievable stench (my friend).

We also got to act as paramedics when a 30-something -year-old guy drank so much that he turned blue and stopped breathing. In our drunken stupor (think home made wine - without glasses) one of the lesser bright lads and my self tried to recussitate him. For some reason the dead (???) guys mates turned up and had a go at us before finally deciding to call anambulance. Then they bummed my only blanket to wrap it around him. I didn't really oppose until I realised that temperature near 'mare aperto' dropped by a few 15 degrees at 2am.

Slept in my then-boyfriends one-person sleeping bag. He snored like walrus with TB. So did 3/4 of the other people there. At 5:30am I finally manage to fall into blissful sleep. Birds proceed to shrill at the top of their lungs at the sight of sunrise.

Caught bus home at 9:00am and slept from 11:00am 'til 1:00pm before heading to work still hungover as fark.

Nice times.

Actually it was all pretty much fun besides those episodes.

I wonder what happened to the 30-something-year-old who turned blue...
It's funny how lightly everybody (including myself quite shamefully) took it.
(Thu 21st Apr 2005, 21:18, More)