» Vomit Pt2

Greenwich sicking.
Not very long ago at all, just before they decided to ruin everyones future summers and make the sale of Magic Mushrooms illegal, myself and a friend decided that we'd have one big going out on the cheeky little fellas.

My mate Paul headed in to Camden one day and purchased some dirty, smelly, evil looking mushies. I turned up at his house, then we headed in to Greenwich park for a sit down.

Anyway. We settle down, with a lovely view of the park, a few beers, and some chocolate flavoured Yop(it makes the 'shrooms go down easier).

A little while later, I'm seeing all sorts of mad shit, and I can't stop laughing and it's suggested that we crack in to the second box that he's brought. What a great idea I think. But we've run out of Yop. I try to cram the sweaty horrible mess of a 'shroom in to my mouth. I've closed my eyes, I'm holding my nose, and all of a sudden after dropping it in, and trying to chew it, it dawns on me. I've just put a massive spider in my mouth, I can even feel it's massive long legs trying to force their way back out, prying my lips apart.

It's horrible. I spit the offending spider out and realise that it's not a spider at all, it's just a mushroom. I try again with a fresh(fresh my arse) one. No good, I suddenly crack, my stomach rumbles and with a heroic effort I run away from where we're sitting and vomit.

Well that's what I thought I'd done. I'd actually just leant sideways and thrown up right there. Right next to where we're sitting. I realise the dangers straight away, and try to tell Paul that we need to leave as soon as possible. Paul however is fucked and just looks at me blankly.

And then, the thing that I saw happening in my worst nightmares happens. A woman and her dog come in to view. Oh no. It's coming straight for us. I know exactly what's going to happen. The dog can smell it, it heads right in to the midst of us, as I try to hide the sick under a plastic bag. The woman is at present a little way away but she can obviously see my attempts at manhandling her dog away. I'm trying to make it look as though I'm trying to roughly stroke the dog, but it probably doens't look that way to her. In actual fact, I'm just pushing the dogs face in to my sick. It doesn't seem to mind.

The woman gets closer and closer, calling the dog, but surprise surprise, the dog doesn't want to know. It's got some tasty grub. The look on that poor womans face as she got closer, and realised what was going on will haunt me forever. The last I saw of her, was as she picked her dog up out of my big brown puddle of chocolate milkshake and mushroom sick and stalked away.
(Fri 8th Jan 2010, 19:28, More)

» Pubs

Nob Slamming
While in our local about 8 or 9 years ago, we were hailed from the bar by a fella who asked if we wanted to see a trick. Of course we did.

He came over, whapped his willy out, placed it on our table, picked up one of those big heavy glass ashtrays placed it precariously on top and leant on it, lifting his entire body weight off the floor. His cock was splayed out like a fleshy pancake underneath. Revolting.

He asked us all outside to see another one, where aided by a friend he slammed his cock under the bonnet of his car.

He was our hero.
(Fri 6th Feb 2009, 19:06, More)

» Creepy!

Ghost walk
About 7 years ago or so a few of us decided to go for a ghost hunt. One of the party had heard that a place about an hours drive away was one of the most haunted places in the UK.
So off we went, the three passengers, all male having a few drinks on the way, and our female driver most definitely not drinking.

We arrive and park in a car park just opposite a church and go for a wander around the church grounds, and then off across a field. To be honest, no one was particularly expecting to see anything, it was more just something to pass the time.

After an hours walk or so we're heading back to the car, bemoaning the lack of ghostly activity when all of a sudden, as we're about 10-15ft from the car all the lights go on.

Us three lads shit ourselves, turned and half ran, craning our necks to see what on earth was going to chase us. But all we saw was our driver looking at us puzzled with her keyfob in her hand having just deactivated the car alarm.

What utter twats.

P.S - Ghostwatch from 1992(with Sarah Greene and Michael Parkinson) is without doubt the scariest thing that's ever been on television.
(Thu 7th Apr 2011, 23:27, More)

» How clean is your house?


This is a second hand story.

A friend of mine used to live with a man who was for want of a better word, filthy.
His bedroom was an utter utter state, and in the three years that they lived together my friend never saw him clean anything, let alone push a hoover around.

In a bid to try and get him to tidy his room and maybe get rid of some of the stench that overflowed on to the landing, him and his other flatmate stopped by a pet shop one day and bought a frozen mouse, the type that you'd feed to a snake.

They figured that the smell of a mouse decomposing in his room would be enough to spur him on.

Another year went by and they forgot all about the mouse, and then came moving day. They were all moving out at the same time, packing boxes up and the like. When my friend was startled by a cry from the other room.

"Look, the skeleton of a mouse!"

A whole year and he hadn't noticed it was about a foot away from his bed.
(Thu 25th Mar 2010, 20:56, More)

» Mums

My Mum.
A couple of stories stand out about my mum.

There was a time when my younger sister came back from playing in the street crying, she told my mum that the girl next door had pulled her hair. My mum was always a firm believer in the tat for tat school of sorting stuff like that out, so told my sister to go and pull the other girls hair back.

Few minutes later and there's a knock at the door, it's the girls mum from next door.
Lots of screaming and shouting go on, and the other woman made the mistake of pushing my mum.
My mum, grabbed her by the lapels, swung her round and rolled backwards flipping the other woman over her as only Ryu and Ken can.
She then proceeded to carry on rolling until she'd mounted her and punched her in the face for good measure.

All this in front of myself and another 4 or 5 kids who were all watching, and in my case, cheering.

There was a time after I'd had yet another fight at school(I was 7) that my mum decided she'd tried all other forms of punishment(not letting me buy any stickers, gounding me to my bedroom FOR 2 MONTHS and generally just whacking me) that she went in to last resort mode.

She came in to my bedroom where I'd been told to stay, she brought a suitcase for me, and she stood and watched as I packed all of my clothes in to it on her orders, as she calmly explained to me that she'd had enough and she was getting rid of me, putting me in to care.

I was distraught obviously, I cried, I screamed, but nothing was changing her mind, she made me drag the suitcase down the stairs, and loaded it in to the car.

Then she told me to say goodbye to my two sisters and my dad, and get in the car. My sisters were crying, my dad didn't seem to care, it was pretty harsh.

Then I got in the car and we proceeded to drive. We drove for about 40 mins, with me in the back seat, promising I'd never do it again, telling her I didn't want to go and live with another family(to which she replied "Don't worry about that, no one will want you, you'll probably just stay in a home until you're 16.") and begging and crying and screaming for her to let me stay.

The car stopped and she said "Get your bag, we're there."
I opened the car door, and there I was in our own driveway.

I was grounded to my room for 3 months.

I make my mum seem like the most awful kind of scum with those two stories, but she wasn't really, well, she's not now anyway!
(Wed 17th Feb 2010, 9:45, More)