b3ta.com user Chickenwire
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Here, have a shiny pound.

Now fuck off.

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» Secret Santa

One Christmas day...
I bought the girl I loved a bird and a tree, then she dumped me the very next day, so in revenge I followed up by buying all sorts of nonsense presents including swans, milkmaids and lords. She went loopy.
(Sat 16th Dec 2006, 13:05, More)

» Nights Out Gone Wrong

So there I was...
Out one night; it was pissing it down and all I had left was a fiver... So I got in the cab, and the driver turned to me, winked and said "where to lovey?" so I told him. I also told him I only had a fiver on me, and would it be okay to take me home as I was a bit worse the wear, he looked at me in the rear view mirror and he winked and grinned. I breathed a sigh of relief. He started the engine and pulled away past all the other cab drivers in the street; me in the back, breathing a sigh of relief.

Well, I watched the meter ticking over; four pounds, four fifty, four ninety... Five. He stopped the car and turned to me "All right lovey, out you get" he said; "What?!" "That's your fiver lovey." I looked at the nearest road sign, we were still a good forty minute stagger from home... "But...but..." I stammered in his general direction; "That's your lot love, gi'us your fiver and out you get." his west country drawl grating on my very soul. So out I got, and, all high heels and thongs cutting into me, made my sorry way home.

So. I decided to get my own back. The next night out I'd been quite sensible, and retained enough cash to get me home safely for once. Now, I'd managed to lose all my mates; but I noticed my nemesis at the back of the rank; so I approached each of the cabbies in the Old Town Square and asked them "If I strapped one on and bummed you, would you give me a ride home for nothing?" and they all sent me away, until I got to him... And I popped my head in his window and asked him how much it'd be to get me home; he looked up at me and smiled and told me it'd be about seven fifty, so I grinned and got in his green Toyota and, as we drove past all his mates, I gurned out of his passenger window giving thumbs up to all his mates!
(Thu 24th Mar 2011, 20:37, More)

» Food sabotage

An autobiographical tale, or Pwned - whichever, I suffer.
I'd like to introduce you to my missus. I've spoken about her on here before. In my eyes she's legendary, having an arse that is fouler than Satan's breath and more productive than a whole series of Japanese automotive plants.

So I guess I should have known I would have been in for hell this morning whilst cooking up a spicy molé last night with chipotle, jalapenos, chili flakes and fresh chili, topped off with an astringent salsa and refried beans. And I wasn't attempting to sabotage her particularly - I just like to make a tasty stew and her guffery is just, normally, an unfortunate side effect.

Well, the hell started last night and I was treated to a series of under-duvet eruptions that smelt simultaneously fruity, but off - like a decomposing badger who'd dined on asafoetida and eggs.

Anyway, enough of all this extrapolation, to the meat of the story. I've just woken her up with a cup of tea and our little 'un aged 3 giving her a cheery good morning as well.

And me and the lad came back down the stairs - I've even put the bacon on - and I saw her rushing for the loo...

A slight smile playing on her lips.

She's been up there some time, still is, and she's called for a copy of her professional magazine to bide her time...

But I know her game...

She's brewed up a treat for me in there and there's no way I'm going up to find my throat being contracted and my nostril hairs singed.

So I sent up the little lad with the book, to act as a canary.

He hasn't come back down yet...

EDIT: Shit, typing this, I've just burnt the toast. What a berk.
(Sun 21st Sep 2008, 9:08, More)

» Going Too Far

A very nice man
I used to work with a really nice bloke, I mean, really nice.

We were, as blokes, discussing losing our virginities. Now that's natural. Mine was embarrasing. His, well...

He was 15, at his girlfriend's house. Her parents out for the night, and as such free licence. However, as a nice bloke, it had taken a fair while to reach the stage of nudity and no-return.

And her Dad came back in.

And when the nice bloke recounted this to me, I was obviously impressed, 15 years old and 'active'... And the 'rental was moderately nice about the whole situation, white leather couch and 'all. However...

I said that if I caught him in such a compromising situation with my daughter, I'd kill him... Cutting off his diseased testes and would culminate with shooting him quite dead.

The poor, nice lad looked horrified and said 'crikey, why?'

I told him my daughter was four years old.
(Sat 11th Nov 2006, 7:10, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Went out with a lass
The 'rentals had a lovely house in the sticks, with a wing for each child (x2) and an Aga in the kitchen.

The pool wasn't heated, but I think they've sold up now.

When she got a Rover for her 18th birthday she went ballistic because she wanted a Golf GTI.

It's all right 'cos I shagged her up her shit-hole.
(Fri 10th Oct 2008, 22:36, More)
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