» Fancy Dress

Fancy Dress
My girlfriend loves fancy dress (in a fun to make costumes type way, rather than a deviant sex-game type way unfortunately), so I always seem to be going to these things. hence I've developed a nice line in high-concept, low-effort costumes:

At a "Things beginning with T" party, I made myself a T-Shirt with the word "Fuck" on the front, and "Cunt" on the back and went as Tourettes.

At a "Record Breakers" party I stood for the whole evening in a small plastic box and only drank booze through a straw - Just like David Blaine of course.

My favourite (well, initially) was at a film-themed party, and I went as the guy (Guy) from Memento. It started out fairly amusing with me writing various events that happened over the course of the evening on my arms in marker pen. Of course, as the night went on I got drunker and drunker, and more covered in marker pen. I'm sure I don't need to tell you lot that I woke up in the morning covered from head to toe in pen, with the inevietable huge spunking cock crudely drawn on my back.

This Halloween I went to a fancy dress party as Derek Acorah, which did take some effort. My housemate at the time went to another party dressed as Ken Bigley. Nice.
(Fri 13th Jan 2006, 13:17, More)

» Crap meals out

Meal Time for Torch Head
I think the scariest meal-out experience I had was in New York last year - and it didnt even involve a meal. The food in New York was generally amazing, and the portions were American sized obviously - but one place really put me off eating for quite a while....

It was opposite our hotel in Queens - a place promising Thai Food, Steaks, Cocktails...all of my favourite things. So me and the missus went in - to what can only be described as some small, gloomy warehouse with a bar. The only other people in there was some malnourished looking thai family sat at a table at the back. Not that it was easy to see them, with the whole place being in near darkness and lit only by about 2 candles. Before we could scarper, a waitress had appeared, sat us down and handed us the menus. We then sat there, trying to read the menus in the dark with the light from our mobile phones. I was about to try and leave with the excuse being that we couldnt even read the menu, when out of the darkness suddenly appeared a wizened old Thai man with an eyepatch, who grinned like a maniac and handed us a small torch. That was the final straw, and we made our excuses and left.
I expect there's a similarly themed restaurant being opened up in London as we speak, and it will cost a small fortune to eat there.
(Tue 2nd May 2006, 14:26, More)

» The Police

i predict a riot
Back in the days (2002 I think) before those tubby Leeds chancers "predicted a riot" I was in Leeds, for a riot. Well, it was the Leeds (poor cousin of Reading) Festival anyway, and some 14 year olds in Slipknot hoodies were causing a bit of a bother and vandalising some portaloos in youthful excess at the end of the Festival. The riot police stormed in and basically, caused a riot. Me and my mate, appalled at the unjustified beating that passers-by, tents and "the kids" were getting from "the man" decided to stand in between the warring factions. (i accept we'd had our fair share of loud-mouth-soup by then). My mate decided to harrangue "the pigs" with taunts of "Thatchers Army" and "You did this to the miners too" . I don't think anyone, police or kids understood us, and I got a baton round the arm for my troubles.

An absolute disgrace I think you'll agree, but there are some OK cops out there, like the ones who used to come into the off-licence where I worked, to have a drink whilst on duty like those two chaps from "Early Doors."
(Tue 27th Sep 2005, 17:42, More)