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» Sacked

My current job
I have a feeling i'm going to be laid off very soon. Apart from spending all my time on b3ta i am currently in the process of making 2 gummi bears have sex.

Pot noodles and Trisha here i come.
(Thu 23rd Feb 2006, 15:57, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

Met Gordon Ramsey
Off of 'Hell's Kitchen' in a club in Newquay about a month ago. He was very nice and i managed to touch him without him noticing.
(Fri 26th May 2006, 12:51, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

desperate much?
Ok, i frequent a popular 'face' based community webshite, where i get messages from all and sundry.

One day i get this message off some bloke with the standard greeting 'hi, you're hot, wanna meet' etc. Now, i had just gone through a very very messy break up, and i was up for a bit of fun. This guy seemed alright after a few more exchanges, his profile seemed alright (apart from the occupation stating 'marine', but we can't tar them all with the same brush, eh?)

We arranged to meet up in one of the few half decent pubs in Exeter, and the evening was going well, we got on ok, and he seemed fine. Maybe all marines weren't crass wankers after all.

But then he had one beer too many...

When we left the pub, he boreishly slung his meaty arm around me, and started bellowing at passers by, calling them 'soft tossers' and so on. I was getting rather agitated by this point, so i said i was going home. He asked me no less than 25 times if he could come with me (i lived with my parents at the time), i told him 'no way' as i didn't want this drunk twat in my house. He seemed very sad, and started getting a bit aggressive, saying he had no way to get back to his base. I told him to get a taxi, and fucked off on the bus home.

Never heard from him again?

This incident happened back in early 2003

We went on that ONE date, and that ONE date only.

He still contacts me hankering for a meet-up to this day.
(Fri 17th Mar 2006, 11:23, More)

» That's me on TV!

I were on the Generation Game
Back in 2002 my daddy and I were picked to appear on the generation game. Sadly that bellend to end all bells was hosting it instead of the chin-ariffic Brucie. We learned one or two secrets that happen in the world of t'telly, generally boring ones that everyone knows anyway like holidays not being holidays really, and not to wear certain colours. Very fascinating, you agree.

One of the couples had a very complicated intro which involved dressing in wedding gear for some reason. It was something to do with mr blobby taking a wedding photo or some shite like that. So they were off for the whole day while we and the other 2 couples farted about in the green room.

Then filming time came.....

Hair and make up was rather jolly fun, then we were ushered out onto the stage to meet the 'great' man himself. He was a miserable bastard when not on camera, refusing to speak to the lesser mortals. After intros were done we were backstage and our first task was to tie a kimanchi (spelled wrong I know) bow. This was hugely complicated, and we were watching on the monitors, so what we saw is what was seen on telly, and it kept switching to Davidson's big fat head so we couldn't really see what we had to do. Also a producer was whispering to the couple with the complicated intro what to do while daddy dearest and I watched obliviously.

We came out to do our bows, and dad's and mine were noticeably crapper than the other guys. We basically tied normal bows. This is when we started to wonder about the integrity of the show....

After that we did one of those mimey things, I had headphones on and dad was doing the mimes. Bearing in mind I was 17 at the time, and had heard of these people, I wasn't going to guess Shirley Bassey, Tom Jones or Tina Turner from the mimes. Especially the way my dad did them. What made it worse is that the headphones were blaring out backwards music, so I couldn't even think of any singers, let alone guess what the hell my dad was trying to do.

The first one was Michael Jackson. I could only think of Celine Dion. The second I think was Shirley, I could only think of Leanne Rimes (why why??) I think I got 2 right in the end. So we were led slowly off stage with our stupid wobbly men things waving and supressing our rising anger. The show was very blatantly fixed, but we had a lovely time anyway as it was always dad's and my ambition to go on the Gen game. I'm not too bitter but i do sometimes wake up screaming.

The couple of couples before us did a skit which involved Davidson getting cracked on the head with a sugar-glass bottle. It went slightly awry and he got cut on the head and had to be taken away and cleaned up HA!

Sorry this isn't that funny, but it was quite an interesting insight.

Oh, and Davidson didn't sign my wobbly bloke when I asked him to, the cunt

THE END
(Thu 18th Jun 2009, 11:59, More)

» Pet Peeves

City Link
For the love of God if you want to keep your sanity avoid this courier at all costs!!

My partner ordered a computer on Tuesday, and requested it be delivered on Friday. The courier was Shitty Link...so in true style they turn up on Thursday when there's no bugger at home. Partner calls..'oh yes sir, we'll have it to you tomorrow'.

Friday rolls around, i have the day off work to wait for the parcel. I let the cat out just at the right moment to see a Shitty Link van driving down the road with nary a wave or tinkle.

Call partner - who calls Shitty Link - who inform him that they forgot to put the package on the van. Well that's bloody terrific.

So partner asks if they can deliver on Saturday. 'Oh no, that costs extra sir'. Could they do it as a gesture of goodwill - seeings as they've buggered up twice?
'Well - we'll arrange to have it sent to you Saturday morning'.

Did it turn up Saturday morning?
Did it fucksocks.

Had to collect it ourselves yesterday. i hate them with all my soul.
(Wed 7th May 2008, 11:27, More)
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